Fugly
Did you know?... What you find when you shave the striped fur off of a tiger? Striped skin.
2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
February 17, 2006


By Martin Felcher
February 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
A relationship with a different kind of person could turn out well. There's something fascinating about this individual. Ask questions, and you'll gain insight. What happened to their arms and legs? How does blowing into that tiny straw move that crazy wheelchair of theirs? If you two are out on a date, and they have to use the bathroom, are you going to have to wipe them? These are things you're going to need to know.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

And they said that Polio was eradicated. Shows what they know, doesn't it?

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You're so cute. Your wit is sparkling, and even you don't know what you'll come up with next. Try to use the word "whore-monger" as much as possible today. You'll know why later and you'll thank us for telling you! Trust us!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
A treasure you discover in a closet or attic could be the perfect thing. With a little baking soda and some ether, voila! You'll have something good enough to sell so you can buy the thing you really want. Those new 5000-dollar wheels for your shitty Toyota Corolla will be yours in no time!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Don't cram too much into your schedule because if anything can go wrong, it will. This advice applies to your ass too. Learn from your mistakes, you freak.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Newer microwave ovens are perfectly safe for drying pets and babies. Only ones made before 1998 will cause your pet or child to cook from the inside out and explode. I'm pretty sure that's right. Give it a try today and find out for yourself.
Aries
March 20- April 19
A long-distance connection that you make could soon be the start of something big. Sure, selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese used to be a big deal, but these days, it's just an innocent second source of income. Tell everyone you know of your new plans for cash and send as much email about it as possible.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Nobody likes you because you are constantly whining about something. Suck it up, and quit acting like such a baby. Some people are starting to enjoy watching you suffer. Some others have always enjoyed it.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're the brains behind the operation, so speak up! You're usually verbal, but around some people you can get a little tongue-tied. Speak up and tell everyone that you're "the only one with half a brain around here"; and that "they are all a bunch of freaking idiots" They'll appreciate your honesty and you'll finally start getting the respect you deserve. That, or a punch in the face. Either way, you deserve it.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
New information could cause a flurry of activity. Once your partner finds out, the shit is really going to hit the fan. Haha! Playing with shit! Isn't that how you got in this mess in the first place?
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You're lookin' good, and so is somebody else. Things would be lot better if you were also smellin' good . The attraction's mutual and could lead to great ideas. A partnership? Not a chance. Once they get a whiff of you, all deals are off. You stink.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Somebody else's idea of a great adventure could give you the heebie-jeebies. Stay calm, or at least look like you are. Play it cool and go along with it but when they start to introduce duct tape into the game, it's time to leave and leave quickly. Remember what happened last time.
 
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