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June
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September
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October
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November
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December
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Your
Fugly Whore-O-Scope for:
Monday
January 23 , 2006
By:
Martin |
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January
2006
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
Your
emotions may be a bit vulnerable today, dear Aries, and it may be
hard to find shelter from the storm. Your umbrella is feeling a bit
too drafty and water seems to be leaking in from the top. Comfort
yourself by coming to center and enjoying a quiet evening at home.
All alone. As usual. Loser. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
Unexpected
events may be cropping up and poking you in the side, dear Taurus.
You may get the feeling that there are thorns cropping up out of
nowhere whose sole purpose is just to annoy you. Why
not poke back for a change? Why not poke back with a screwdriver
or a piece of a broken bottle? Nothing says, “leave me
alone” like screaming and waving a knife around. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
You
have the ability to make some important breakthroughs in whatever
project you set your mind to today. Try not to get bogged down by
your emotions, which may be feeling a bit heavy and stale. Infuse
your day with a blast of unconventional thinking. Try to adopt a
new and fresh attitude on whatever it is you want to get accomplished.
A new perspective is what you need to make this day extremely productive. A
new perspective, and a job. And some money. And a car. And
some new clothes. And maybe some plastic surgery. Jesus,
you’re a mess. Just give it up. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
You
may get the feeling that you are rubbing up against sandpaper today,
dear Cancer, and more than likely, this is a result of issues dwelling
deep inside you. You may get the feeling that you’re
rubbing up against some stranger on the subway again too. What
the hell is the matter with you? They make medication for people
like you, you know. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
You
may be feeling like you are walking on hot coals today, dear Leo.
Someone has tossed you the hot potato and you need to figure out
what to do with it. Some neighborhood kids are planning to leave
a flaming bag of dog crap on your front porch. Be
ready. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
Your
emotions will feel stable for a change today, dear Virgo, although
there may be an unexpected element trying to sneak into the equation.
Unexpected elements like your drug induced coma. Some times feeling nothing at all is just as good as feeling
stable. Don’t be picky. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
Although
your emotions may be running counter to this principle, try to explore
deeply into your innovative, irrational side today, dear Libra. Don’t let that pesky ‘shame’ or
that nagging ‘embarrassment’ get in your way. Wearing
pants is for suckers, and what better than a Monday morning to let
people know it? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
You
might just want to stay inside today and not speak to anyone, dear
Scorpio. If indeed you do decide to venture out, you are apt to
run into opposition pretty much everywhere you turn. Instead of
seeing this as a negative thing, use it as incentive to work harder
at what you want to accomplish. Or use it as an excuse to stay
home and get drunk. It’s not going to change anything. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
You
may not feel like you are exactly "clicking" with
anything today, dear Sagittarius. Indeed, adjustments will need to
be made, either by you, or by the people you are dealing with, in
order for there to be any sort of resolution. People much more
likely to do things your way if you’re holding a weapon of some
sort. Something as simple as a pair of brass knuckles would
really accent that outfit you’re wearing too. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20 |
The
actions you take today will have a long lasting effect, so be conscious
of how you use your energy. Incorporate the old as well as the new
into your game plan. There’s really
no easy way to say it. People are starting to comment to each
other on how fat you’re getting. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
This
is one of those days in which others might not fully appreciate
for the wonderful breeze of fresh air you bring to the group,
dear Aquarius. Maybe they just don’t understand. Or
maybe it’s just you who likes the smell of your own farts. Try
not to be so gross. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
Don't
be surprised if things don't go exactly according to plan today, dear
Pisces. Unexpected events are more than likely to pop up and disturb
the course of action. Realize, however, that these disruptions have a
place in your life and that they are occurring for a reason. The reason, as usual is that God hates you. Learn
to live with it. |
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