Fugly
Did you know?... Johnny Depp suffers from self-injury.
2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
September 27, 2000


By Martin Felcher
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You can have just about anything you want. The exception might be a gift you'd like to buy a loved one that you can't afford. The other exception might be real friends. Oh yeah and a life. And good looks. And half a brain. Shit, you can't have anything can you?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Your lucky break should come about Friday or Saturday. It will come in the form of a fractured skull. It will be delivered by a mental patient with a cro-bar. It might not seem lucky, but hey. At least you won't be dead.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Unlike Scorpio, you won't get a lucky break. If you hang out with any Scorpios on Friday or Saturday, it will be the last time anyone sees you alive. Better stay in this weekend.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Whoa! You'd better cool it for a while. Don't get cocky, especially around the person who signs your paycheck. Don't be too bold with traffic cops, either. They'll pistol whip you faster than you can say. "Police brutality". They always carry a 'throw down' gun too. Just in case they go too far. Don't be an idiot.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Go along with a sweetheart's request and sail past the only potential problem. Your partner wants a commitment. Quit saying things like "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" That's what got you into this mess in the first place. You're so stupid.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Money's still a potential problem area. That's the good news. The other problem area is your genitals. It's not normal to cry after you urinate. It isn't supposed to burn like that. Go see a doctor.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You may be outnumbered, outvoted, and outclassed today. Just make sure you're not outgunned. You know what we're saying. Show you're one in a million by going along with your mate or partner's suggestion. He or she probably cares more about this than you do. Admit it, you don't care about anything. You're a dick.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may be facing a mountain of paperwork, but don't despair. You should be in good shape to handle it, now. Later you won't be, but now, yes. You've got crabs!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You just got a whole lot luckier, especially in love! The person you're after may be playing a little hard to get, but don't give up. He or she just wants a lifetime commitment. Screw that. Just go get a prostitute. They'll leave when you're through. That's what you're really paying for.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Does your home need a major renovation? Is it time to paint the kitchen? Get new furniture? Move? Don't panic; it doesn't all have to be done in the same moment. Why don't you try tackling the "get a job' part first. That might help with the rest of it. Loser.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You'll be surprised at how much you can learn, in a relatively short period of time. Especially on speed and Ritalin. Take as much as you can stand. You're awesome!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You might do well financially, but it won't be easy. You'll have to use all your skills. Straight sex, rimming, round the world. It's a good thing you've got lots of experience. Whore.
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