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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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September
2000
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M
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W
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F
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4
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5
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8
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9
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11
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12
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13
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15
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20
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21
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23
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24
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26
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
are sharp and so good-looking (jerry curl, running suit). You have
what you need (mask, rope and knife), and you're able to get what
you want (white girl). Remember that if you're up against a job that's
tougher than you thought it would be (big fat bitch with mace). You'll
figure it out in no time at all (date rape). |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
still lucky, but your energy level's low. Coming down off of any drug
is really depressing. Just take some more and you'll be set. As a
matter of fact, why not just take whatever you have left so you can
be full of energy all night long? If a little is good, more must be
better. That's what most doctors would tell you. Trust us. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Expect to run
into a few frustrations, but don't let them stop you. If you can't
figure out the answers, ask your friends to help. If they can't
help, ask a total stranger. If they don't know, demand that they
tell you and then, kick them in the nuts. All together, it shouldn't
take more than two thirds of the day. By then, you may not even
care anymore.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Face
it. You've had better days. You will again too, someday. This one
won't be so bad once you get past chills and vomiting. It should start
in another hour or so. Good luck with it. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You're
in a great mood today. Try to stay tuned in to other people's wants
and needs. That way, you'll know exactly what to ignore. You ignorant
prick. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Have
you been paying attention? Or, have you been so involved with your
future plans, that you forgot something here and now? Get busy. One
more thing; you'll be cleaning puke out of the back seat of your car
tomorrow morning. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Continue
to follow. A strong person has plans and probably has them well figured
out. Since you're so weak minded, and so easily controlled, you'll
do whatever they ask of you, as usual. Today, they'll ask you to use
your ass a receptacle for some pretty large objects. Being a follower
sucks. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Nobody
loves you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't throw caution to the
wind. No doesn't always mean 'no'. I bet she wants you to just be
a little more forceful. Use some ether to get her in the mood for
love. Don't just be bold - be prepared. Wear a condom. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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It's
time to face facts. You were never all that lucky in love and you
should start to realize soon that you're going to be spending the
rest of your life alone. If you're currently involved with someone,
it will soon end. If you're not, get used to it. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
may feel like something is sapping your energy, and you may be right.
It's intestinal parasites. Yep, you've got worms. They're wriggling
their way through your small intestines right now and soon they'll
start to burrow into your lungs. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Most
likely, love, fun and games are on your mind. And why not? That's
all that's ever on your feeble little mind. That's why you have a
shitty job and live in that run down house of yours. Let your hair
down and kick up your heels. It's another Malt Liquor Saturday Night!
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Frustrations
are abundant. You'd like to do all sorts of wonderful things, many
of which would improve your environment. First, there's the question
of how. There are books on every subject, and luckily they're cheap.
Now all you have to do is figure out how to read and maybe you can
learn something. Idiot. |
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