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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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September
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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4
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5
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8
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9
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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19
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20
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21
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23
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24
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26
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28
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29
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Your
partner has been acting funny lately. It's hard to face it but you've
seen it coming for some time now. This could only mean one thing.
A witch! Burn him or her at the stake and drive a wooden spike through
his or her heart to make sure he or she is good and dead. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The
Sun is in Virgo. Something about your place has bothered you for ages.
Maybe it's the fact that it's your parent's place and not yours! Why
don't you get a job and move out, you deadbeat? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Summer is over
and it's time to get back to work. You couldn't convince that love
interest of yours to sleep with you all summer and you may as well
forget it. Don't worry, you'll find love in the form of a passed
out 18 year old soon enough, you sick bastard.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Don't
disrupt another's plans. Instead, show them that you can do the job
perfectly. Say things like, "You don't know what the fuck you're doing
asshole!" and, "Get out of the way and let me do it you fucking moron!"
They'll appreciate the helping hand. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
may feel like everything's going your way. Watch out for one little
thing, however. One little blue ford escort, that will leave you paralyzed
later today. Sorry. Hey, at least you won't be dead. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Proceed
with caution. Even though you're still lucky, hidden dangers are out
there. Don't assume you have the whole thing figured out, yet. Something
you forgot about could come back to haunt you. Remember O.J. and go
back and get that other glove. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
friends are full of good advice, or so you think. Your friends are
also full of dope and booze. Your friends are full of shit and your
girlfriend is full of crabs. Get rid of them all and start over, loser. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Don't
take chances in a delicate situation. Something you say could be held
against you, so keep your words to a minimum. As a matter of fact,
just plead the 5th. Who cares if they caught you soaked in blood and
carrying a knife? Maybe you just like to walk around like that. You
don't have to say a thing until you have a lawyer present. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
so cute; you may even win an argument with a stubborn friend. You
and this person don't see things the same. If you keep explaining,
he or she may see the light. Or, if you stab him or her in the eyes
with a sharp stick, they won't be able to see at all. Either way,
you win! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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It's
hard for you to keep quiet, but something you say in jest could be
taken the wrong way today. Almost everything you say is taken the
wrong way. Probably because every other word out of your filthy mouth
is some kind of racial slur. Someone is going to kick your racist
ass today. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Today
is an excellent day for lighting bums on fire. Use kerosene instead
of gas to avoid any nasty flash backs that could singe your clothes
or hair. A fat bum will burn for hours, while skinny ones just scream
and fall over. A lot of times the skinny ones are able to extinguish
themselves and fight back. Be careful! |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Something
that looks like an excellent deal may be more expensive than you thought.
You may only pay half price for that shit, but as soon as you shoot
it, you'll wish you'd bought from someone you know. Serves you right,
junkie. |
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