Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
September 10, 2000

By Evil Sarah
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 If nothing else is pressing, how about planning your next week? Year? Ten years? It's amazing how much you can accomplish once you know where you're going. After you're done, think about what would happen if you got hit by a bus. Do you think you might regret all that planning? Quit being such an uptight douche-bag and go outside for a change.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 Others may think you're brilliant, but you may harbor doubts, and rightfully so. You're a fake. A fraud. A rip-off artist. Why don't you try doing something original for once in your life? If you can, that is.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Your energy level's low, and you may be a tad depressed. Take a whole handful of sleeping pills and wash them down with a pint of vodka. That ought to help you and everyone that's had to listen to you're incessant whining for the last few weeks get some well deserved relaxation.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 If you're single, a person you meet through friends could be a keeper. If you're married, an outing with friends should be great fun. If you're recently divorced, it's probably your fault. If you've recently lost a loved one, they probably didn't like you anyway. If your parents gave your pet to some 'people with a nice farm where he can play', that just means that they had it put to sleep. Grow up.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Things never seem to turn out like you want them to. They certainly never end up like you expected. Up until this, you always thought you could fix things, but this time you can't. This time you took a path with no way to turn back. I hope you're happy with it, but you and everyone else know you won't be.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Travel (get off the couch), start new projects (get a job), fall in love (prostitute). Two out of three wouldn't be bad, but why not go for all three? If you're single (loser), a long-distance romance could blossom (escort service). If you're committed ("life partner"), an exotic location brings back the old spark (butt sex).
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 The Sun is in Virgo. The moon is headed into Venus. Your car is in the shop. Most of your stuff is in hock. Your life is in ruins. Your kid is in jail. Your mate is in rehab. At least there's Malt Liquor.
Aries
March 20- April 19
 There's an old saying that, "Serving others is always satisfying". Yeah. About as satisfying as beating your head against a wall. Whoever said that is a fucking idiot. Server no-one except yourself! Other people will only slow you down, and try to take advantage of you. When are you ever going to learn? Asshole.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 You may finally be acknowledged for a job well done. Funny thing is, the most difficult part isn't what's bringing in the most kudos. The stuff you thought was easy looks tough to others, so from now on, try and stick someone else with the hard stuff so you can slack and get all the credit. You'll do just fine, since you're such a backstabbing prick.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 Get some rest. You've been carrying more weight than you realized. You've got a constant twitch in your left eye and later today, you'll completely lose your sense of smell. You're well on your way to insanity and institutionalization. Way to go, dumbass.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 If you listen and take notes, you could get some excellent advice. Hang out with the person who has the most of whatever you want. Get him or her to talk, and you could find out more than you ever wanted to know. Try to use what you learn to blackmail them and ruin that squeaky-clean reputation of theirs. They're just as depraved as anyone else and it's high time everyone else knows it.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You should feel a little better but still not up to speed. Let your friends and mate take care of you for a little while longer. They probably don't mind cleaning up your vomit and changing you every time you lose control of your bowels. Look at yourself. You should have done everyone a favor and just jumped off a bridge. You suck.
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