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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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September
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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S
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4
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5
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8
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9
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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19
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20
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21
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23
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24
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26
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28
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29
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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The
Sun is in Virgo. Convince some children to stare directly into the
sun for as long as they can. Tell them there is a solar eclipse and
they have to watch it very carefully or they might miss it. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
and your partner need to figure out who's going to pay for what. If
you offer a little more than your share, you could get an unexpected
benefit in return. Why don't you pay for the breast implants and let
your partner for out the dough for that abortion? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You know what
would fix your problems, Scorpio? Nothing. You're fucked.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
may find another person quite attractive. Don't get fixated, however,
especially at work. You don't' want to let on that you're interested.
Keep cool, and when they find his or her body, you won't be a suspect.
Get a pair of rubber gloves. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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It
seems that everyone is making more money than you. Look. Everyone
is making more money than you. You should stop using
words like 'seem' to describe things. You suck. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
are lucky - and getting luckier by the minute. Don't hesitate. Spend
every cent you own on lottery tickets this afternoon. See if you can
sell some things, or borrow more money from your friends. You have
to play to win! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Speak
up to make sure your wishes are known. Don't worry; you won't ruin
the friendship. Just blurt it out. "I want a blowjob!!"
The louder and more often you say it, the better your chances. Add
the phrase, ".you cunt" for more effect. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Spend
all day reading a book. That's the best way to solve a puzzle at work,
too. You haven't solved it already because there's something you don't
know. Math. The answer to your puzzle is 4. It's really pretty simple.
2 plus 2 equals 4. You'd have already figured it out by now if you
weren't so stupid. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your
money is always important to you, because you're such a greedy bastard.
If you stick with a strict budget, you could accumulate quite a lot.
This will be easy since your stingy and you pinch every penny you
get your greedy claws on. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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After
a slow start, you should gain momentum rapidly. Soon, you'll be far
ahead of your competition. You'll gather speed and soon hit velocities
of over 150 miles per hour. When they sift through the wreckage, they'll
need dental records to identify your remains. Car accident. What did
you think we were talking about, your stupid career or something? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Listen
to a nagging feeling in the back of your head. Maybe you're trying
to tell yourself something. Maybe it's just all of those voices you've
been hearing lately. Do exactly what they tell you to
do. If they instruct you to kill, don't hesitate. You are the chosen
one. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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A
friend's request could cost you more than it's worth. Don't get locked
into buying something you don't want, and can live without. You'd
be wiser to spend on yourself by going to a massage parlor or simply
buying some more beer. Fuck that friend of yours. Let him or her pay
for his or her own damn dialysis treatment. |
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