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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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September
2000
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M
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T
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W
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F
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4
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5
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8
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9
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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19
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20
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21
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23
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24
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26
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28
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29
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The
more you get done now, the more time you'll have for new projects
later this week. First, clear off your desk, tidy up your closets
and get rid of the stuff you don't use anymore, like that nagging,
bitch of a wife and those two bratty kids of yours. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You might be
tempted to let a friend talk you into something. Before you commit,
check it out thoroughly. Anal sex is dangerous in more ways than
one. STDs are only the tip of the iceberg when you start messing
around in the 'no-no' spot. Use your head. Literally.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Watch
out! You've got a drug test coming up this week! Ask a straight-laced
coworker to borrow a quart of urine. Slip it into a list of other
things like a pencil and some envelopes and they won't even notice. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Stay
on track. Keep your ear to the ground. Keep your nose to the grindstone.
Keep the pedal to the metal. Keep your fingers out of your nose. Keep
your hands off of that poor girl. Keep the fuck away from children
for God's sake you sick, twisted pervert! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Find
your baby. Hold her tight. Grab some afternoon delight. Your motto's
always been 'when it's right it's right'. Why wait until the middle
of a cold dark night. We bet you recognize
the words, don't you? You homo. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
and your partner or mate could have a change in plans. Something you
were going to do to your house may not work as well as you expected.
Just as well. It's going to burn to the ground later this week anyway.
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Not
only is it Monday, but it could also be a mess. Just when you've finished
celebrating your birthday, everything is going to go wrong. This is
going to be one of the worst days of your life and there's nothing
you can do to prevent it. Stay home. If you're at work, get the hell
out of there. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Somebody
else's loss could be your gain. How many times have you found something
good, only to turn it into a lost-and-found? What are you thinking!?
Finders keepers, losers weepers. Some old man's heart medication?
Keep it! Someone's medical ID bracelet? Keep it! A lost child in the
supermarket? You get the idea. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Take
it slow and easy, as much as possible. This won't be a problem for
you since your brain just naturally seems to work slower than everyone
else's. Try not to use the word "Uhhh" so much today. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Expect
lots of confusion today. Expect lost of confusion every day for the
rest of your life. Retard. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may feel an overwhelming desire to balance your checkbook, work out
a new budget and cancel all subscriptions to magazines you never read
except Hustler and Swank. Those will be worth a lot of money one day. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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All
of a sudden, people are requesting your opinion. They may actually
take your advice. Some who need it most may not think to ask for it,
so just tell them what they need to know. If they don't seem to be
listening, say something like "Pay attention mother-fucker!" and grab
them by the throat. They'll be glad you did. |
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