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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
September 25, 2000


By Mike Williams
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The more you get done now, the more time you'll have for new projects later this week. First, clear off your desk, tidy up your closets and get rid of the stuff you don't use anymore, like that nagging, bitch of a wife and those two bratty kids of yours.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You might be tempted to let a friend talk you into something. Before you commit, check it out thoroughly. Anal sex is dangerous in more ways than one. STDs are only the tip of the iceberg when you start messing around in the 'no-no' spot. Use your head. Literally.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Watch out! You've got a drug test coming up this week! Ask a straight-laced coworker to borrow a quart of urine. Slip it into a list of other things like a pencil and some envelopes and they won't even notice.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Stay on track. Keep your ear to the ground. Keep your nose to the grindstone. Keep the pedal to the metal. Keep your fingers out of your nose. Keep your hands off of that poor girl. Keep the fuck away from children for God's sake you sick, twisted pervert!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Find your baby. Hold her tight. Grab some afternoon delight. Your motto's always been 'when it's right it's right'. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night. We bet you recognize the words, don't you? You homo.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You and your partner or mate could have a change in plans. Something you were going to do to your house may not work as well as you expected. Just as well. It's going to burn to the ground later this week anyway.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Not only is it Monday, but it could also be a mess. Just when you've finished celebrating your birthday, everything is going to go wrong. This is going to be one of the worst days of your life and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Stay home. If you're at work, get the hell out of there.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Somebody else's loss could be your gain. How many times have you found something good, only to turn it into a lost-and-found? What are you thinking!? Finders keepers, losers weepers. Some old man's heart medication? Keep it! Someone's medical ID bracelet? Keep it! A lost child in the supermarket? You get the idea.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Take it slow and easy, as much as possible. This won't be a problem for you since your brain just naturally seems to work slower than everyone else's. Try not to use the word "Uhhh" so much today.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Expect lots of confusion today. Expect lost of confusion every day for the rest of your life. Retard.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may feel an overwhelming desire to balance your checkbook, work out a new budget and cancel all subscriptions to magazines you never read except Hustler and Swank. Those will be worth a lot of money one day.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
All of a sudden, people are requesting your opinion. They may actually take your advice. Some who need it most may not think to ask for it, so just tell them what they need to know. If they don't seem to be listening, say something like "Pay attention mother-fucker!" and grab them by the throat. They'll be glad you did.
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