Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
September 22, 2000


By frank6
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Who says that Opportunity only spreads her legs once? Fortune is a one-legged whore who circles back for more! Speaking of whores, why not take your girlfriends credit card down the liquor store and buy yourself a forty? You deserve it after all she's put you through. That bitch gave you herpes for Christ sake!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Take it easy. You've been way too stressed out lately. All you need is solid friends, a big goat, and some quiet time. If that's not enough, throw in a ball muzzle and a paring knife, and trust your intuition.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Slack. I mean: don't do a goddamned thing today. Nothin'. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You have an artistic eye and a love of wildlife. Why not try your hand at taxidermy? This age-old science preserving life long after death.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Two words. More porn.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The only good rat is a dead one.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your corpse smells particularly acrid today. You skin is riddled with maggots and crawling with worms. But don't let it bother you. Rotting flesh becomes you. Try to look on the bright side. The cemetery is full eligible bachelorettes, even if they are a little past their prime. So pick yourself out a hot little banshee, and start dancing the horizontal hokie-pokie. And remember, it's not really necrophilia if you are both already dead.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Today is a good day to order carryout. Try that new little Chinese joint around the corner. They serve the best orange tabby this side of the Yang Tse. If you are lucky, you might even get one those new fortune charms in your meal. Mine said "Mittens, Rabies, 10.28.99." It was so mystical; it sent chills down my spine. I played those numbers and won big! You can learn a lot from ancient wisdom.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Chores are a drag. Why not hire a topless maid to tidy up around your place today? She probably won't get much cleaning done, but who the hell cares? Just so long as she's good and thorough. Just sit back in your easy chair and watch her go to work. Oh, and remember to tip big. If you're lucky, she might even polish your silver.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Tonight.you die.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You have a photographic memory today. You can remember the faces of all your victims very clearly. But don't get too cozy, Hannibal. Your freezer is full and time is running out. In fact, the feds are at your door right now. It looks like you won't have enough time to eat all the evidence. It's probably just as well. You are all out of steak sauce and the chainsaw is jammed with sinew again. There's nothing left for you to do but suck it up and take like a monster.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You've been paying a lot of attention to your diet lately. Eating well-balanced meals, and laying off the sodas. Your Evian is spiked with e-coli.
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