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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
September 18, 2000


By Martin Felcher
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The Sun is in Virgo. Convince some children to stare directly into the sun for as long as they can. Tell them there is a solar eclipse and they have to watch it very carefully or they might miss it.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You and your partner need to figure out who's going to pay for what. If you offer a little more than your share, you could get an unexpected benefit in return. Why don't you pay for the breast implants and let your partner for out the dough for that abortion?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You know what would fix your problems, Scorpio? Nothing. You're fucked.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You may find another person quite attractive. Don't get fixated, however, especially at work. You don't' want to let on that you're interested. Keep cool, and when they find his or her body, you won't be a suspect. Get a pair of rubber gloves.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
It seems that everyone is making more money than you. Look. Everyone is making more money than you. You should stop using words like 'seem' to describe things. You suck.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You are lucky - and getting luckier by the minute. Don't hesitate. Spend every cent you own on lottery tickets this afternoon. See if you can sell some things, or borrow more money from your friends. You have to play to win!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Speak up to make sure your wishes are known. Don't worry; you won't ruin the friendship. Just blurt it out. "I want a blowjob!!" The louder and more often you say it, the better your chances. Add the phrase, ".you cunt" for more effect.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Spend all day reading a book. That's the best way to solve a puzzle at work, too. You haven't solved it already because there's something you don't know. Math. The answer to your puzzle is 4. It's really pretty simple. 2 plus 2 equals 4. You'd have already figured it out by now if you weren't so stupid.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your money is always important to you, because you're such a greedy bastard. If you stick with a strict budget, you could accumulate quite a lot. This will be easy since your stingy and you pinch every penny you get your greedy claws on.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
After a slow start, you should gain momentum rapidly. Soon, you'll be far ahead of your competition. You'll gather speed and soon hit velocities of over 150 miles per hour. When they sift through the wreckage, they'll need dental records to identify your remains. Car accident. What did you think we were talking about, your stupid career or something?
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Listen to a nagging feeling in the back of your head. Maybe you're trying to tell yourself something. Maybe it's just all of those voices you've been hearing lately. Do exactly what they tell you to do. If they instruct you to kill, don't hesitate. You are the chosen one.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
A friend's request could cost you more than it's worth. Don't get locked into buying something you don't want, and can live without. You'd be wiser to spend on yourself by going to a massage parlor or simply buying some more beer. Fuck that friend of yours. Let him or her pay for his or her own damn dialysis treatment.
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