Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Saturday
September 16, 2000


By Martin Felcher
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
After what you've been through, today looks pretty good. It would look pretty good to others too, if you would only quit your whining. Nobody cares. Just shut up.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Maybe you ought to leave the credit cards at home. You could spend more in an hour than you make in a month. If you're going to be shopping, why not take your partner's credit cards instead. Have a blast. Wait about three weeks and then dump that loser. By the time he or she gets the bills, you can be long gone.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You could be ready for a day off. Why not take it a step further and just quit altogether. If you're married, leave him or her. If you're pregnant, get an abortion. If you have kids, drop them off at some social services building and hit the fucking road. Don't look back. Just do it before you change your mind.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Strangely, now that you could take the day off, you're in a businesslike frame of mind. You want to make sure everything's done properly. That sounds like a good thing but it's really annoying. Why don't you quit trying to run other people's lives and schedule their time? You pushy asshole.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Once you fix up your place, you should be able to relax. Once you find out where that smell is coming from, you might even be able to sleep there again. Check the chimney. Maybe some animal climbed up there and died. It happens.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Race around and fix up your place, first thing. You may have company this weekend, whether you've invited them or not. Drop-in guests often make the best party. Besides, all your friends have one thing in common. They're fat, just like you! Fatass!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Something you set out to do may not be available, causing a change in plans. Try to accommodate your partner's wishes, but don't get too worried. The two of you may find an activity you like even better. As usual, it will involve duct tape and fisting. You two should be locked up.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Getting rid of stuff you don't need could be profitable, but getting rid of someone else's stuff could be even more profitable. See what your neighbor has in his garage. If he's not home, see if you can't get inside and have a look around. Pawnshops will take almost anything.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your actions are more effective today. Your words could be taken more seriously, too. Seriously, people are scared of you today. You're acting like some kind of a freak. Are you ok? Maybe you should just stay away from people for a while.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Why don't you clean up that shit hole you live in today? Look at yourself. You're a fucking mess. How the fuck do you expect to get anything done in that dump? Your home literally stinks of rotting garbage. You're disgusting.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Getting together with friends would be lots of fun. That is, if you had any. You suck.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may feel inhibited, but there's no point in arguing. The people who are telling you to slow down probably have good reasons. Nobody wants to see you make a fool of yourself like last time. Can we give you some advice? Not everyone has to clean vomit out of his or her carpet every Saturday morning. You might have a drinking problem?
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