Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
September 6, 2000


By Martin Felcher
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your partner has been acting funny lately. It's hard to face it but you've seen it coming for some time now. This could only mean one thing. A witch! Burn him or her at the stake and drive a wooden spike through his or her heart to make sure he or she is good and dead.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The Sun is in Virgo. Something about your place has bothered you for ages. Maybe it's the fact that it's your parent's place and not yours! Why don't you get a job and move out, you deadbeat?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Summer is over and it's time to get back to work. You couldn't convince that love interest of yours to sleep with you all summer and you may as well forget it. Don't worry, you'll find love in the form of a passed out 18 year old soon enough, you sick bastard.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Don't disrupt another's plans. Instead, show them that you can do the job perfectly. Say things like, "You don't know what the fuck you're doing asshole!" and, "Get out of the way and let me do it you fucking moron!" They'll appreciate the helping hand.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You may feel like everything's going your way. Watch out for one little thing, however. One little blue ford escort, that will leave you paralyzed later today. Sorry. Hey, at least you won't be dead.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Proceed with caution. Even though you're still lucky, hidden dangers are out there. Don't assume you have the whole thing figured out, yet. Something you forgot about could come back to haunt you. Remember O.J. and go back and get that other glove.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your friends are full of good advice, or so you think. Your friends are also full of dope and booze. Your friends are full of shit and your girlfriend is full of crabs. Get rid of them all and start over, loser.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Don't take chances in a delicate situation. Something you say could be held against you, so keep your words to a minimum. As a matter of fact, just plead the 5th. Who cares if they caught you soaked in blood and carrying a knife? Maybe you just like to walk around like that. You don't have to say a thing until you have a lawyer present.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're so cute; you may even win an argument with a stubborn friend. You and this person don't see things the same. If you keep explaining, he or she may see the light. Or, if you stab him or her in the eyes with a sharp stick, they won't be able to see at all. Either way, you win!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
It's hard for you to keep quiet, but something you say in jest could be taken the wrong way today. Almost everything you say is taken the wrong way. Probably because every other word out of your filthy mouth is some kind of racial slur. Someone is going to kick your racist ass today.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Today is an excellent day for lighting bums on fire. Use kerosene instead of gas to avoid any nasty flash backs that could singe your clothes or hair. A fat bum will burn for hours, while skinny ones just scream and fall over. A lot of times the skinny ones are able to extinguish themselves and fight back. Be careful!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Something that looks like an excellent deal may be more expensive than you thought. You may only pay half price for that shit, but as soon as you shoot it, you'll wish you'd bought from someone you know. Serves you right, junkie.
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