Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
September 1, 2000


By Martin Felcher
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You may want to increase your wages. Start by convincing yourself that you're worth more. That will be the easy part. The hard part will come when you try to convince others. Since everyone hates you and thinks you're an idiot, it will be next to impossible. It sucks to be you, doesn't it?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Your boss has been pouring on the work. You have a busy schedule, full of little details. Answer those calls and get that stack of papers off your desk. Don't just dump them into a drawer. Instead, roll them up and use them as a wick to blow up your boss' car. You'll feel twice as good if you first knock him unconscious and lock his fat ass in the trunk.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You should have pleasant, imaginative, creative dreams soon. This will go on for a few weeks. When they finally stop, you'll realize that it was only an overdose of PCP and that you've peeled off pieces of your face and tried to feed them to your dog. Man, you need to cut that shit out.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
A little competition could motivate you. Pull yourself up off the couch and out into the world. Something you can find will give you the edge over that annoying know-it-all. Something that you can buy in any gun shop, or K-Mart. I think you know what I'm talking about.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You could advance your career soon. You may not have to learn anything else. You may just have to take what you're already doing someplace else. Out of the bathroom and into the board- room. Soon you'll be sucking the dicks of much more important people. Way to go, you whore.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Today you're smart and quick at figuring things out. How about trying to figure out why you can't get laid. What do you think? Is it your weight problem or your tremendous body odor? Maybe it's a combination of the two. Guess that being smart and quick at figuring things out isn't all that great when you're as gross looking as you, is it?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You and a partner could still be talking about money. If this is your mate, you're discussing something you want for your home. All this money talk is pretty pointless, all things considered. Your mate is cheating on you, and you'll be killed later today. It's a waste of both of your time.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The Sun is in Virgo. You should do well in a partnership now. Get together with a person who has skills you lack. In other words, get together with pretty much anyone. You're an imbecile.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You should be creative today, so take on a challenge. This won't necessarily be easy, but that's OK. You get bored when things are too easy. Try something that few people can do. Try lighting yourself on fire. Not a lot of people can do that.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You should have an excellent time with an old friend now. Go back over the photo albums and relive the good old days. That'll give you a chance to say what you forgot to say back then. Try not to bring up that 'incident' no one likes to talk about. You'll only be opening a can of worms with that topic.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Something needs to be discussed in private. You could learn something you never knew before. Start by asking for, and giving the others, permission to discuss a forbidden subject. When they begin to talk openly about it, laugh and point your finger in their faces and call them a "bunch of fucking queers". That will be pretty funny.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
If you've been wondering how you're going to live the life of luxury you deserve, dig for answers. Learn as much as you can about the rich and famous. Then, pull your head out of your ass and face the facts. You'll always live in poverty. You're lucky you can even afford to eat.
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