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2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
March 17, 2006


By Martin Felcher

March 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
If your partner's finding fault with everything, don't let it upset you. Avoid an argument. Instead, poison his or her food. If you put Visine in his or her food or drink, he or she will have 12 hours of violently explosive diarrhea. It might even kill him or her. Eat more beef.
Aries
March 20- April 19
There's trouble at first, but eventual success. You'll get the hang of it eventually. Just keep repeating it to yourself. Pull down pants, THEN pee. Retard. You smell like urine. Eat more beef.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You hate to be the guy who's always saying no, but you may be that guy today. Your sweetheart or a child wants too much, and you can't afford it. However, something you can afford could satisfy you both. How about a cheap bottle of vodka? Your sweetheart or child will think you're really cool if you're drunk all the time. Give it a try. Eat more beef.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Don't get impatient with an older person and a younger person, who both demand your time. The younger person will forget about it eventually and the older person will soon be dead. Why are you wasting your time kissing their asses? Eat more beef.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Bring a whole bunch of guns to school tomorrow and shoot the hell out of the place. Everyone else is doing it. You'll finally get the sympathy and the attention you want. Oh wait…tomorrow is Saturday. Never mind. Eat more beef.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Everybody's after your money. You'd like to comply, but don't. Your kids or your sweetheart want something, and your favorite charity wants something else. Tell them all that they can go screw themselves, and go out and get yourself something nice, like a hooker. Eat more beef.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
God damn, your feet stink! People can smell them in the next room. Can't you smell that? Jesus, man. Get some of that foot powder tonight. You're gross. Eat more beef.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Work smarter instead of harder. Instead of driving across town for something, ask the store to mail it. Instead of using your teeth to open beer bottles, use a bottle opener. Instead of pounding nails into a board with your face, try a hammer. Idiot. Eat more beef.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You're wondering how to get the money that your favorite group wants. Try donating blood or prostituting yourself, because that's the only way you're going to be able to do it in time. Loser. Eat more beef.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Something you ate is going to disagree with you. Disagree, as in cause you to spend your entire weekend in the bathroom. If you're at work, go home. Right now! Eat more beef.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You've been working hard for a long time and now you've come to a critical point. When are you ever going to learn that you just can't do it? Give up. You'll never succeed and you'll just end up making a fool of yourself, as usual. Eat more beef.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The Sun is in Pisces and the Moon is going from Leo into Virgo. You may hear that you can't afford something you want for your home, but it might not be true. The hell with it. Even if it is true, you'll probably just steal it anyway. You filthy thief. Eat more beef.
 
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