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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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March
2006
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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S
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1
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2
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3
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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11
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12
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14
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16
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18
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19
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20
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21
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
If
your partner's finding fault with everything, don't let it upset you.
Avoid an argument. Instead, poison his or her food. If you put Visine
in his or her food or drink, he or she will have 12 hours of violently
explosive diarrhea. It might even kill him or her. Eat more beef. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
There's
trouble at first, but eventual success. You'll get the hang of it
eventually. Just keep repeating it to yourself. Pull down pants, THEN
pee. Retard. You smell like urine. Eat more beef. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
You
hate to be the guy who's always saying no, but you may be that guy today. Your
sweetheart or a child wants too much, and you can't afford it. However,
something you can afford could satisfy you both. How about a cheap
bottle of vodka? Your sweetheart or child will think you're really
cool if you're drunk all the time. Give it a try. Eat more beef. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
Don't
get impatient with an older person and a younger person, who both
demand your time. The younger person will forget about it eventually
and the older person will soon be dead. Why are you wasting your time
kissing their asses? Eat more beef. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
Bring
a whole bunch of guns to school tomorrow and shoot the hell out of
the place. Everyone else is doing it. You'll finally get the sympathy
and the attention you want. Oh wait…tomorrow is Saturday.
Never mind. Eat more beef. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
Everybody's
after your money. You'd like to comply, but don't. Your kids or your
sweetheart want something, and your favorite charity wants something
else. Tell them all that they can go screw themselves, and go out and
get yourself something nice, like a hooker. Eat more beef. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
God damn,
your feet stink! People can smell them in the next room. Can't you
smell that? Jesus, man. Get some of that foot powder tonight. You're
gross. Eat more beef. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
Work
smarter instead of harder. Instead of driving across town for something,
ask the store to mail it. Instead of using your teeth to open beer
bottles, use a bottle opener. Instead of pounding nails into a board
with your face, try a hammer. Idiot. Eat more beef. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
You're wondering
how to get the money that your favorite group wants. Try donating blood or prostituting yourself, because that's the only way you're going to be able to do it
in time. Loser. Eat more beef. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
Something
you ate is going to disagree with you. Disagree, as in cause you to
spend your entire weekend in the bathroom. If you're at work, go home. Right now!
Eat more beef. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You've been working hard for a long time and now you've come to a critical point. When are you ever going to learn
that you just can't do it? Give up. You'll never succeed and you'll
just end up making a fool of yourself, as usual. Eat more beef. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
The
Sun is in Pisces and the Moon is going from Leo into Virgo. You may
hear that you can't afford something you want for your home, but it
might not be true. The hell with it. Even if it is true, you'll probably just
steal it anyway. You filthy thief. Eat more beef. |
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