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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
June 30, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You have a 'thing' for young girls, just barely out of their teens. That was cute when you were 24 and still even acceptable when you were 25, but now that you are 79 it's scary and disturbing. For Hugh Hefner, that's okay, but not for creepy fat guys who have a restraining order requiring that they stay at least 500 feet away from school zones.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Your siblings are insisting that you seek help for constantly giving in to those impulses of yours. The stars should not have to tell you that though tasty and high in vitamins and fiber, people are not for eating. If so, Chinese food would be delicious!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The stars feel bad for you, because bad things happen to you almost every day. Why do bad things always have to happen to you? Well, you pissed our girl Karma off. The stars feel extra bad for you today, because Karma's got PMS. You better recognize.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Jay Leno really and truly stinks. If you disagree, then the stars think you suck, too. Even if you agree, you still suck.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
The 15th will be your lucky day. The 16th will be your unlucky day. The 17th will be your urinating on yourself day. The 18th will be your burning flesh day. The 19th will be your smoldering hair day. The 20th will be your anal rape day. Then, on the 21st, it skips the lucky day and starts all over again.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Don't you hate it when your bong tips over? Don't try to say that, since you're a politician, you have no idea what a bong is. You know what a bong is. It's the place where you hide your heroin.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Have you ever laughed so hard that you squirted milk out of your nose? Today, that will happen to you. Well. milk, semen. Same thing.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The 12th house has revolved around Jupiter, escaped it's gravitational pull, and landed on your sister, who happens to be a witch. Plus, she happened to be wearing your favorite striped stockings. How's that for ironic?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Poetic Pluto is making your life seem foggy and surreal today. Watch out for falling anvils, as they are neither poetic nor surreal, and they hurt like a bitch on impact.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You can't control your fate. However, you can control your bowel functions. For the time being anyway. Be thankful for that!
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your mother may have put poison in your father's Broccoli Quiche', but so what? She passed her cooking abilities on to you. She also passed on her taste for murder. The stars are afraid of you. You scare us. Stay away from everyone.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
'Your song' keeps playing on the radio. You know; the old one about true love and how it had to go away. You miss that little son of a bitch, don't you? The stars are wondering why you didn't pick a more uplifting song to outline your romance's fate? You never cared about that stupid whore anyway.
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