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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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21
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_
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Today
you will come to terms with a bad habit . If you keep it up, you are
going to suffer the same fate as Edward James Olmos, who's face caught
on fire and was extinguished with an ice pick. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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With
Mars prominently placed on your face, it makes your head very heavy.
You really can't even hold it up. But you've always been a big wimpy
pussy. Big baby; can't even hold up Mars. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
are dying to experience premarital sex, but you also feel you should
stay a virgin until you get married. Have you ever considered the
butt? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Venus
has gone on tour with her rock and roll band and has left Mars to
fend in her place. Nonstop stimulation awaits you. You will meet a
man on a camel who will lead you to the carwash. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
are dangerous and set off very easily. You are a ticking time bomb
that has been designed to look and act exactly like a human being.
What are the odds of that happening? |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
are notorious for starting trouble at family gatherings. The stars
suggest you just stay home from now on. No one wants you there anyway,
you insensitive, smelly pig. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Acquiring
possessions can become an obsession, but you are quickly running out
of places to hide all these heads and limbs. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
are going to pack on a few pounds in the next coming months. It is
strongly suggested that you try to keep from doing this, because fat
people don't do well in the exotic entertainment industry, because
no one likes to look at fat people naked. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
assertive moon makes you fearless today, or so you think. It's really,
a double dose of PCP that your spouse dropped into your drink. On
the good side, you are brave and strong. On the bad side, you'll be
peeling off pieces of your face and trying to give it to people in
a few hours. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Stupid
punks like you never amount to much. The most you can count on achieving
in life is landing yourself an alternative-looking spouse and shitting
a few kids out. If that sounds good to you, then you are even stupider
than the stars previously assumed. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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The
stars are sick of your lies. You say you love the stars, then you
mess around with the planets. This is bullshit. Make up your mind
or don't bother to check your whoreoscope anymore. I write these for
you, for you, dammit, FOR YOU! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
are often accused of being big-headed and stubborn, but that is not
true. Your head is not big at all. As a matter of fact, your head
is so small it could fit in a tin tuna can. That is a small fucking
head. You might consider getting tossed at parties. It sounds safe.
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