| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
June
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
|
2
|
3
|
|
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
|
18
|
|
|
21
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
_
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
You
have a 'thing' for young girls, just barely out of their teens. That
was cute when you were 24 and still even acceptable when you were
25, but now that you are 79 it's scary and disturbing. For Hugh Hefner,
that's okay, but not for creepy fat guys who have a restraining order
requiring that they stay at least 500 feet away from school zones.
|
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
Your
siblings are insisting that you seek help for constantly giving in
to those impulses of yours. The stars should not have to tell you
that though tasty and high in vitamins and fiber, people are not for
eating. If so, Chinese food would be delicious! |
|
|
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
The
stars feel bad for you, because bad things happen to you almost every
day. Why do bad things always have to happen to you? Well, you pissed
our girl Karma off. The stars feel extra bad for you today, because
Karma's got PMS. You better recognize. |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
Jay
Leno really and truly stinks. If you disagree, then the stars think
you suck, too. Even if you agree, you still suck. |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
The
15th will be your lucky day. The 16th will be your unlucky day. The
17th will be your urinating on yourself day. The 18th will be your
burning flesh day. The 19th will be your smoldering hair day. The
20th will be your anal rape day. Then, on the 21st, it skips the lucky
day and starts all over again. |
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
Don't
you hate it when your bong tips over? Don't try to say that, since
you're a politician, you have no idea what a bong is. You know what
a bong is. It's the place where you hide your heroin. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
Have
you ever laughed so hard that you squirted milk out of your nose?
Today, that will happen to you. Well. milk, semen. Same thing. |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
The
12th house has revolved around Jupiter, escaped it's gravitational
pull, and landed on your sister, who happens to be a witch. Plus,
she happened to be wearing your favorite striped stockings. How's
that for ironic? |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
Poetic
Pluto is making your life seem foggy and surreal today. Watch out
for falling anvils, as they are neither poetic nor surreal, and they
hurt like a bitch on impact. |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
You
can't control your fate. However, you can control your bowel functions.
For the time being anyway. Be thankful for that! |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
Your
mother may have put poison in your father's Broccoli Quiche', but
so what? She passed her cooking abilities on to you. She also passed
on her taste for murder. The stars are afraid of you. You scare us.
Stay away from everyone. |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
'Your
song' keeps playing on the radio. You know; the old one about true
love and how it had to go away. You miss that little son of a bitch,
don't you? The stars are wondering why you didn't pick a more uplifting
song to outline your romance's fate? You never cared about that stupid
whore anyway. |
|
|
|
