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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
June 29, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Don't be surprised if your family tries to 'axe' your new lover. They've got it in for him. Besides, what do you think happened to your last one? Do you really think that was 'chicken' in the soup?
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Confrontation awaits you when you get home, but you have the mental and physical strength to succeed. Who says you can't hit a woman? Then maybe she'll leave you alone for one stinking minute!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
He will call you if you just relax. He said he would, didn't he? Didn't he say he liked your 'style?' Be a man and stop pacing around the phone. Go get your nails done and chill, girlfriend!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Lately, you have been wondering if there is something out there for you besides the 9-5 grind? The answer is a resounding, 'no.' You don't really have any skills, you look sort of crazy with that weird face and that big nose... you should be thankful that you have a job at all.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
When you work, you work so hard; you look like an uptight workaholic tightwad jackass. When you play, you play so hard; you seem like an impulsive, stupid, carefree idiot. You might consider retiring to your couch and never getting up again.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Today is a day of personal awakening for many Sagittarius. But if you go through with your plan to overdose on painkillers, you won't be doing any awakening of any kind; personal or private. Come to think of it, you probably won't even be reading this at all!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Around the fifth, you have a tendency to be cruelly obnoxious and say some things you don't really mean. A fifth of JD always makes you act that way. Try a case of Bud today instead.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Emotional outbursts aren't usually your style, but your other personality? The fat truck driver? He loves to throw tantrums. You should have been there the other day when he threw that old lady through the plate glass at Super Duper Shop and Drop. Well, you were there, in a way.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
When you have troubling issues on your mind, you sometimes retreat into your own dream world. Everyone does this now and again, but it is not wise to do it while driving through a school zone. Especially when you're piss-ass drunk.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You're an emotional woman, but you're trapped in the body of a 6'6" hairy, balding man. It sucks to be you. The stars don't even know what to say, except, let's keep it our little secret.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Finding the perfect balance between hysteria and happiness is not easy for you. Manic depression makes that nearly impossible! However, you show great ability in dish throwing, self mutilation and you can stare into space and at rock for hours on end!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Are you sick of being attached to that selfish bastard? There are doctors now who can separate you from your sibling, even if you are sharing a vital organ, such as a heart or kidneys. But it might cost you an arm or a leg.
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