Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
June 27, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Today you will come to terms with a bad habit . If you keep it up, you are going to suffer the same fate as Edward James Olmos, who's face caught on fire and was extinguished with an ice pick.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
With Mars prominently placed on your face, it makes your head very heavy. You really can't even hold it up. But you've always been a big wimpy pussy. Big baby; can't even hold up Mars.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You are dying to experience premarital sex, but you also feel you should stay a virgin until you get married. Have you ever considered the butt?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Venus has gone on tour with her rock and roll band and has left Mars to fend in her place. Nonstop stimulation awaits you. You will meet a man on a camel who will lead you to the carwash.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You are dangerous and set off very easily. You are a ticking time bomb that has been designed to look and act exactly like a human being. What are the odds of that happening?
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are notorious for starting trouble at family gatherings. The stars suggest you just stay home from now on. No one wants you there anyway, you insensitive, smelly pig.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Acquiring possessions can become an obsession, but you are quickly running out of places to hide all these heads and limbs.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You are going to pack on a few pounds in the next coming months. It is strongly suggested that you try to keep from doing this, because fat people don't do well in the exotic entertainment industry, because no one likes to look at fat people naked.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The assertive moon makes you fearless today, or so you think. It's really, a double dose of PCP that your spouse dropped into your drink. On the good side, you are brave and strong. On the bad side, you'll be peeling off pieces of your face and trying to give it to people in a few hours.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Stupid punks like you never amount to much. The most you can count on achieving in life is landing yourself an alternative-looking spouse and shitting a few kids out. If that sounds good to you, then you are even stupider than the stars previously assumed.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
The stars are sick of your lies. You say you love the stars, then you mess around with the planets. This is bullshit. Make up your mind or don't bother to check your whoreoscope anymore. I write these for you, for you, dammit, FOR YOU!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You are often accused of being big-headed and stubborn, but that is not true. Your head is not big at all. As a matter of fact, your head is so small it could fit in a tin tuna can. That is a small fucking head. You might consider getting tossed at parties. It sounds safe.
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