Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
June 26, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You will find yourself involved in a bout of road rage today. You will have plenty of time to rise above it later on, when you're not busy or something, but in the mean time, feel free to smash into that son of a bitch. People think they can just walk across a cross walk when YOU are driving down the road. Make that bastard pay - with both legs.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Mercury and Venus have bonded together to make your life a living hell. If you could defend yourself against them, things might be different. However, they are mighty planets and you are just a stupid human being. You'll just have to tolerate whatever shit they dish out. The stars guarantee it won't be pretty.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
While Venus has been known to rub shoulders with Neptune from time to time, you have been known to rub unspeakables with a fat, balding grocery clerk. In most cases, that would be frowned upon, especially by the planets, but in your case, it's okay, because you both know it is the best you could ever hope to do.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Jupiter is in your 3rd house. If it's bugging you, you should say so. Tell that bastard to get out. Just because he's got a few more rings than you doesn't make him shit. Let him know.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
There is aggression and conflict in the air. Take it out on your spouse. What has that bitch/bastard done for you lately? Not one damn thing. As a matter of fact, all they do is complicate things and nag you constantly. Nothing will teach them a lesson like a beer bottle to the head.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Exotic dancers are trying to give you advice. Don't take their advice. If they knew what they were doing, they wouldn't be in that lousy dive bar in the first place, advising you to give them money n exchange for sex in the parking lot.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You spend too much time punishing yourself for being an idiot. You can't help the way you are. You will do much better once you realize you couldn't NOT be a stupid, bloated-faced idiot, even if you tried.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
This is the time for some reflection and self cleansing. Though it might bother you to do it and it may be painful and painstaking, the surgeon general says you should brush your teeth three times a day and I second that motion. Your teeth look like you've been eating shit and nothing else for the last six months
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Verbal Mercury vacates your 7th house of partners today, and a trio of planets in your 12th house of secrets obscures your view. Good luck figuring that out, shithead. Don't take it out on the stars, you're the one who reads this stupid crap.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You will be approached with a lucritive deal that will seem impossible to refuse. Trust the stars; tell that red man with horns to go (back) to hell.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Ego issues arise for no reason at all. The little bit of ego you have is based on a grade completion award you won for passing 3rd grade. Too bad you can't go back to the good old days when you had no faith in yourself and insisted on doing nothing, because everything you ever do fails. At least then you could depend on the consistency of your own failure.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You would make a great truck driver. Have you ever thought of that? Just you and the open road? A CB and a handle like, 'Butchie Boy' or 'Gray Ghost'? All that fresh parking lot prostitute tang.... That's something to think about.
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