Fugly
Did you know?... In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans every year.
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Saturday
June 24, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Had you just put those three little green flowers on the bottom of the tub like everyone else, you might not have slipped in the tub and broke your neck. Oh, there the stars go, writing in past tense again!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Your sign has a soft spot for animals, but be forewarned, animals are stupid creatures and they don't like humans. Here's a little quip from the lead trainer of 'Alligators Today': "When performing with alligators, do not stick your head into the alligator's mouth, as they are hungry, stupid animals, that will eat your head in one bite, as if it were a delicious piece of candy."
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You will have another meaningless day, just like yesterday and the day before and the day before that. The highlight of your day will be taking a human-sized crap.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
With the moon setting in your sign's sun sign, it is best to get out of this relationship now while you still have a chance. Otherwise, your torso and head will be proudly displayed on a pedestal in front of your lover's bed.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You are too generous. You have to save some for yourself. That shit is expensive. Something to consider: If your head was made of brie cheese, would you let everyone you know take a bite?
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
People aren't always what they seem. On the 30th, a man will approach you. He will be well dressed and seem very nice. He will invite you to dinner. Beware. You ARE the dinner.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
A Haiku:
You're a piece of crap.
Why don't you just get a job?
Like your siblings did.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Being a water sign, you love to be near the ocean. Have you given any thought to pursuing one of the many opportunities of a Ship's Captain? Possible careers include blue fish boat operator, Brazilian coke-yacht driver, and head pirate. The sea is calling to you. Don't say no.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You have been wanting to try out that new, trendy little sushi joint for about a month now. The stars don't recommend eating raw fish, but if you must, don't bring a date as you had planned, because the stars see you pissing out your ass for about the next two days.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The stars predict that in coming weeks you will be having trouble with your car. This is actually a blessing in disguise, that is, to the local mechanic who has had a crush on you since you were 10.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Mercury is rising to influence your decisions. The electric chair is the way that everyone else usually chooses to go. If the state offers gallows, take that, because if they don't have gallows, they will have to spend a ton of money to build them. How's that for last laughs?
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Avoid using words like always and never. When you do, you are always wrong, you never make a valid point, and it just makes you look like an asshole in front of your friends.
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