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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
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S
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M
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W
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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18
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21
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Your
scorching sun sign has been shining on your sign all week and it has
burnt you to a crisp. That is why you are in the predicament you are
in. I don't suggest you touch any of the orange-red areas on your
skin. Those are tumors. If you are lucky, you might go into a remission.
But your sign isn't particularly known for being lucky. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
are all about taking action this month. Last month you were all about
taking pills. Your problem is that you tend to be too wishy-washy.
Make up your mind. You can take action or you can take pills, but
you can't take both. If you could, everyone would be doing that very
thing, and the world would be a happy, productive place. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Spirited
Venus has given 'spark' to a penis that you care about. Perhaps even
your own! Thank the planets for what they have done by doing a good
penis deed. Dig a hole with your penis and plant a tree, or use your
penis to hammer nails into a community housing project. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Lusty
Uranus has you yearning to explore, and you're the perfect guide for
that troop of young boys. Don't listen to jokes that parents have
made about you blazing more trails through their children's pants
than through the forest. You are a man of the plains. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
have some terrible influences coming into your life. You may think
you are doing the right thing by selling grilled cheeses for only
a dollar in the parking lot at Phish shows, but hippies, much like
bears, should not be fed. If you do feed them, they will reproduce
and spend hundreds of dollars worth of college trust funds on bales
of marijuana, books of acid, long crazy juggling sticks, big goofy
hats and matching fanny packs. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Play
it safe by skipping a possible blowjob offer around the 29th. Nasty
Neptune is out on the loose. You know where she's been. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Perplexing
Pluto plans to play your paranoid side like a pied piper. Try saying
that five times fast. It won't help you but it makes the stars laugh
when you do what they say. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Lucky
Jupiter, the fifth planet, is hovering over Uranus. Your lust days
are the 23rd, the 25th and the 30th of this month. It just so happens
that there are NAMBLA meetings in your county on each of these three
dates. Luck be a Lady? Says Who? |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Characteristically,
you are the perfect fish. You are extremely amorous, and you have
no trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex. However, the
odor you are sporting 'down there' has nothing to do with the zodiac,
the stars, or the planets. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
are in for a financial treat at the end of the month. The welfare
checks got sent out earlier than usual, so instead of receiving yours
the 3rd, you should see it around the 30th. Also, Cleopatra, the brunette
from Billy's Beef and Go-Go, wanted us to remind you to stop down
there on your way back from the check cashing place. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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The
stars sense that you are feeling tense, but there is no reason for
alarm. You are an ill-willed, malicious-mannered, sorry-faced, hate-filled,
good for nothing, low life piece of crap. Bad things only happen to
good people. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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As
a typical Gemini, you love to show off. However, you find it difficult
to perform that 2-liter coke bottle trick in front of your parents.
If you give your career even a slight face-lift, you would be able
to arrange it so that your many talents will still shine. You'll also
be helping your family cope with the incredible humiliation they're
forced to endure because of what a sick, demented child you turned
out to be. |
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