Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
June 23, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Your scorching sun sign has been shining on your sign all week and it has burnt you to a crisp. That is why you are in the predicament you are in. I don't suggest you touch any of the orange-red areas on your skin. Those are tumors. If you are lucky, you might go into a remission. But your sign isn't particularly known for being lucky.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You are all about taking action this month. Last month you were all about taking pills. Your problem is that you tend to be too wishy-washy. Make up your mind. You can take action or you can take pills, but you can't take both. If you could, everyone would be doing that very thing, and the world would be a happy, productive place.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Spirited Venus has given 'spark' to a penis that you care about. Perhaps even your own! Thank the planets for what they have done by doing a good penis deed. Dig a hole with your penis and plant a tree, or use your penis to hammer nails into a community housing project.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Lusty Uranus has you yearning to explore, and you're the perfect guide for that troop of young boys. Don't listen to jokes that parents have made about you blazing more trails through their children's pants than through the forest. You are a man of the plains.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You have some terrible influences coming into your life. You may think you are doing the right thing by selling grilled cheeses for only a dollar in the parking lot at Phish shows, but hippies, much like bears, should not be fed. If you do feed them, they will reproduce and spend hundreds of dollars worth of college trust funds on bales of marijuana, books of acid, long crazy juggling sticks, big goofy hats and matching fanny packs.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Play it safe by skipping a possible blowjob offer around the 29th. Nasty Neptune is out on the loose. You know where she's been.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Perplexing Pluto plans to play your paranoid side like a pied piper. Try saying that five times fast. It won't help you but it makes the stars laugh when you do what they say.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Lucky Jupiter, the fifth planet, is hovering over Uranus. Your lust days are the 23rd, the 25th and the 30th of this month. It just so happens that there are NAMBLA meetings in your county on each of these three dates. Luck be a Lady? Says Who?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Characteristically, you are the perfect fish. You are extremely amorous, and you have no trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex. However, the odor you are sporting 'down there' has nothing to do with the zodiac, the stars, or the planets.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are in for a financial treat at the end of the month. The welfare checks got sent out earlier than usual, so instead of receiving yours the 3rd, you should see it around the 30th. Also, Cleopatra, the brunette from Billy's Beef and Go-Go, wanted us to remind you to stop down there on your way back from the check cashing place.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
The stars sense that you are feeling tense, but there is no reason for alarm. You are an ill-willed, malicious-mannered, sorry-faced, hate-filled, good for nothing, low life piece of crap. Bad things only happen to good people.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
As a typical Gemini, you love to show off. However, you find it difficult to perform that 2-liter coke bottle trick in front of your parents. If you give your career even a slight face-lift, you would be able to arrange it so that your many talents will still shine. You'll also be helping your family cope with the incredible humiliation they're forced to endure because of what a sick, demented child you turned out to be.
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