Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
June 22, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Don't feel too bad about your bone cancer. Gemini has it too.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
The moon says you are going to be shot... but don't worry! Things are going to be OK! I mean, not for you obviously, but for everyone else.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Things are unbalanced in your life. One of your breasts is noticeably larger than the other. Luckily, your clubfoot evens things out and draws attention away from your hideous flapjacks.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Your instincts about others are right on. They're all against you. Teach them a lesson they won't forget ...with fire!
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Dear you. Why are you back here again? Didn't we answer your questions yesterday? Do you really need us to tell you that your spouse is cheating on you? There, we said it! Happy now? Love, your stars.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
This month heralds a big breakthrough in an intimate relationship, a cure for your impotence. You will discover that you can make a splint for your penis with a Popsicle stick and some electrical tape.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
This month you will get splinters in your rectum from a Popsicle stick.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Jupiter brings good news! You will make a new friend who will invite you into his home. Not only will you find $4 in his wallet, but everyone will think he committed suicide. Everyone except for Angela Lansbury, that is. Our advice is to take that nosy bitch out, and fast!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your parents are coming over for dinner, but your place is a mess. What the fuck were you thinking, inviting them over here? You've got semen stained carpets and no furniture except for a dirty, sheetless mattress in the middle of the living room. There are people upstairs smoking crack and shooting up! You're such an idiot! Just assure them that everything is fine and you are too busy to get together right now.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You know that song you love so much? Winter, Spring Summer and Fall? ...And he'll be there? Yes he will. You've got a friend? Well, you don't have any right to listen to that song, because you don't have any friends. Anyway, that song was actually about heroin.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Saturn has three words for you: spontaneous human combustion.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Listen, the stars hate to be the ones to tell you this, but you are a little bit too fat to wear those pants. You've tried every diet and none have worked, so now might be the perfect time to try a new method. Refer to this for more information.
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