Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
June 19, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Community service at the nursing home really sucks, huh? Old people smell like beef and are full of lies. It almost wasn't worth seducing that underage kid down the road ... almost.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You have cancer.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may find you are in a good mood for once, sort of. The infection has finally eased up and that lingering smell is not so potent today. Hint: Saran wrap is not a condom.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Saturn says that a new love will come into your life and sweep you off your feet. When your old love finally tracks you down, he will make a belt out of your nipples.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
So no one has applied yet for the position scrubbing the semen off the walls of those 4x6 booths? Don't get too upset, you don't have the heart to fire your mother anyway.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Scorpio is known for it's compassion, strength and luster. All Scorpios except for you, that is. Oh, they call you scorpio alright, but that's because you are known for having crabs. Revel in your popularity, even if it may be negative. Make sure to scratch when everyone is looking to let them know that you don't care what they think.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Today is a day for recollection. It seems like just yesterday you packed your things at the tender age of 14 and left for the city, where you met that older man who took you in and gave you a bed that you shared with four other kids about your age who would leave the room when it was your turn to work. A stranger stepped into your life and gave you direction when you had none. You should be more thankful.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The stars are in place and jupiter has assumed the position. You are going to be raped in prison.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The stars were on an all-night bender with Jupiter, and are a little hung-over. You will meet someone, either a man or a woman. He or she will be wearing pants. Something will probably happen. Look, this astrology shit isn't as easy as it looks, okay? To be honest, Jupiter is getting a little sick and tired of your stupid questions, and the stars think you should go fuck yourself.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Pisces, the moon is telling you for the last time: she doesn't love you and she never will. Get on with your life. At least you still have that belt you made from her nipples.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You might as well learn right now that people don't always mean what they say. Like that time your mom said you were "special," she actually meant, you were "adopted."
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
So, you're thinking of packing up and taking a trip into the woods, huh? Ever seen the Blair Witch Project? That is a true story. As a matter of fact, statistics show that in almost every national forest, at least one murder has been committed and four bodies have been found. Happy trails, dead man
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