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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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August
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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2
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5
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6
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7
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8
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12
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13
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15
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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23
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may be tempted to buy something you don't need. Not a good idea. Instead,
buy a gun. A gun is more of an investment, really. You can use it
to make a lot more money if you have the nerve. Target older people.
They almost expect to be victimized. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
could get wrapped up in a problem that might not get resolved until
tomorrow. You have to make sure you get your point of view across,
so keep saying it over and over. "No means no" "No means no" "No means
no" It might even be a good idea to print it on a t-shirt. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Creative
endeavors and romantic pursuits may be on your mind today. You're
just full of vital energies and are liable to be feeling a certain
lust for life right now. Hahaha. You're so stupid. It's just the caffeine.
Once all that Mountain Dew you drank wears off, you'll be back to
normal, and even deeper in depression. Next time, smoke some crack.
It might last longer. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You have to
be persuasive today. Everybody is more persuasive when they're waving
a gun around and screaming at the top of their lungs to "Get the
fuck on the floor". Just a suggestion.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You're
in the mood to try something new, but it's not quite time yet. Isn't
that what we always tell you? Look, to be honest, you'll never be
ready to try something new. That's why you have no friends and why
everyone thinks you're boring. You suck. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
need to be with somebody you love, so give that top priority. Seriously.
You'd better go see them because next time you call, you'll find out
they've just been killed. I wonder who it will be. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
might be feeling so good that you don't really feel like making much
of an effort at anything right now. Then again, you never really fell
like making much of an effort at anything. You're just a naturally
complacent, lethargic slob. It's ok. Why don't you go get some more
to eat? |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
Sun is in Uranus. Err. wait. Your anus. At least it feels like it's
the Sun. That horrible burning could only mean one thing. Herpes.
No one feel sorry for you. You should have worn a rubber, you idiot |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Don't
be so hard on yourself. Things are not always what they seem. He was
probably on estrogen or something anyway, and with all of that makeup,
how were you supposed to know. Just brush your teeth a few times and
try to forget about it. Fag. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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It
would be good to get involved with your favorite group today. Since
your favorite group is NAMBLA, you should get involved in your second
favorite group. The Boy Scouts. It's almost the same thing anyway. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
may feel a tad inhibited today. Nothing lowers inhibitions better
than malt-liquor. That's right. Drink up, fat boy. Somebody who's
making demands on you is rather annoying, too. Go for the eyes, and
you'll do more damage. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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What
are you doing? All you do is look at porn all day, you lazy piece
of shit. You're going to get fired if you don't quit fucking off and
do some actual work. |
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