Fugly
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2003
April
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
January 20, 2003


By: Mike Williams
January 2003
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You can get a lot done if you keep your eye on the future. You could be freaking out about a few things, but you should put them aside and focus on what you have to get done. You should also take a shower or something, and soon. You smell like a diaper full of sardines. Goddamn, you're disgusting.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You should appreciate all the things that have been coming your way. You know that you need very little to be happy, and luckily, that's exactly what you'll get. Very little. You'll never amount to anything.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You could feel a little restless these days and could be thinking about getting out of your current situation right now. Follow your heart, it will tell you what to do. Your life will be shit, but do it anyway. Your life will always be shit, because you're not as good as everyone else. You're also sort of stupid. Sorry.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You may be on the road to making a lot of big changes in your life right now, but don't let that stop you from doing things right. As long as you'll be coming out of the closet, you may as well go all the way. Pierce your nipples and let your partner lead you around the mall wearing a dog collar. Cut holes in the ass of your pants and wear them to church. French kiss your Mom in front of everyone. Hey, no sense doing things half assed.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may feel like some people are trying to keep you from knowing something-this may be true, but more than likely it ha something to do with you just not ever understanding what's going on. Quit trying to blame every one else for your own stupidity. Dipshit.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
This may be a good time to ask yourself where you want to live and how you want to do things in your life. Do you think so? If you don't think that living on the street or in a cardboard box is where you want to be, I'd say this is the perfect time. Loser.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You could feel as if the earth is moving like crazy right now. You've got to let go a little and just let things happen. Why not just kill yourself? Things aren't going to be any easier to deal with tomorrow.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Everyone says smoking is so bad for you, but you don't believe that do you? Smoking is great for you and you should start today. If you already smoke, try to smoke more. Work your way up to unfiltered cigarettes. All the really cool people smoke unfiltered cigarettes. Trust us.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Do your best today, but also be careful that you don't bite off more than you can chew! That means taking care of one thing before moving onto the other. It also could mean; "stop eating so much you fat fuck!'' It might even mean both.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Lots of things that you've been keeping inside should be coming out. We're not talking about pent up aggression either. Whatever you just ate was teaming with salmonella and you'll be pissing out of your ass for days.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You have a lot of power and influence over someone right now. Just be sure you use it wisely! See if you can get them to sleep with you or give you all of their money. Tell them how ugly and worthless they are. The longer you keep their self-esteem down, the longer this will last. Way to go!

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You may be a little unsure as to where things stand in your life right now. It could almost feel like you're on a magic carpet ride and don't have any control over anything. Don't worry-your life will be over in a couple of hours.
 
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