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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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January
2003
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W
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F
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1
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2
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3
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4
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5
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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14
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15
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18
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19
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21
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29
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
can get a lot done if you keep your eye on the future. You could be
freaking out about a few things, but you should put them aside and
focus on what you have to get done. You should also take a shower
or something, and soon. You smell like a diaper full of sardines.
Goddamn, you're disgusting. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
should appreciate all the things that have been coming your way. You
know that you need very little to be happy, and luckily, that's exactly
what you'll get. Very little. You'll never amount to anything. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
could feel a little restless these days and could be thinking about
getting out of your current situation right now. Follow your heart,
it will tell you what to do. Your life will be shit, but do it anyway.
Your life will always be shit, because you're not as good as everyone
else. You're also sort of stupid. Sorry. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
may be on the road to making a lot of big changes in your life right
now, but don't let that stop you from doing things right. As long
as you'll be coming out of the closet, you may as well go all the
way. Pierce your nipples and let your partner lead you around the
mall wearing a dog collar. Cut holes in the ass of your pants and
wear them to church. French kiss your Mom in front of everyone. Hey,
no sense doing things half assed. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
may feel like some people are trying to keep you from knowing something-this
may be true, but more than likely it ha something to do with you just
not ever understanding what's going on. Quit trying to blame every
one else for your own stupidity. Dipshit. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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This
may be a good time to ask yourself where you want to live and how
you want to do things in your life. Do you think so? If you don't
think that living on the street or in a cardboard box is where you
want to be, I'd say this is the perfect time. Loser. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
could feel as if the earth is moving like crazy right now. You've
got to let go a little and just let things happen. Why not just kill
yourself? Things aren't going to be any easier to deal with tomorrow. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Everyone
says smoking is so bad for you, but you don't believe that do you?
Smoking is great for you and you should start today. If you already
smoke, try to smoke more. Work your way up to unfiltered cigarettes.
All the really cool people smoke unfiltered cigarettes. Trust us. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Do
your best today, but also be careful that you don't bite off more
than you can chew! That means taking care of one thing before moving
onto the other. It also could mean; "stop eating so much you
fat fuck!'' It might even mean both. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Lots
of things that you've been keeping inside should be coming out. We're
not talking about pent up aggression either. Whatever you just ate
was teaming with salmonella and you'll be pissing out of your ass
for days. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You have a lot
of power and influence over someone right now. Just be sure you
use it wisely! See if you can get them to sleep with you or give
you all of their money. Tell them how ugly and worthless they are.
The longer you keep their self-esteem down, the longer this will
last. Way to go!
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
may be a little unsure as to where things stand in your life right
now. It could almost feel like you're on a magic carpet ride and don't
have any control over anything. Don't worry-your life will be over
in a couple of hours. |
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