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2003
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December
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
January 6, 2003


By: Sarah
January 2003
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You could get up on the wrong side of bed this morning. Don't worry. By the time you're partying with friends tonight, everything will be fine. You can fool them, too. Go as the other side of your personality, the one they never knew you had. You know, the heterosexual one that doesn't have a rubber fetish.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You could dress up as what you're afraid might happen. You could be an endangered species, or you could go as the way life could evolve. These will work a lot better than what really IS going to happen. How the hell do you dress up like alcoholism and murder-suicide anyway?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Tonight you can be anything, including the fascinating being you are, in your heart of hearts. You heal through loving even those who hate you, and that's an awesome trick. Just remember what you learned in prison, you want to dress like a man, you're going to get it like a man.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You could be in for a rude awakening, especially if you overdid it last night. A hangover would be welcome in a situation like this. Your crabs are infected with syphilis and your syphilis has gonorrhea. What the hell were you thinking? We know it's Halloween, but just because they're dressed like a condom doesn't make it safe.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your confidence improves as the day goes on. Wrap up old business and then celebrate. So what if it's a Tuesday! Be who you've always wanted to be. It could stick! Wear a slinky evening dress instead of that usual flannel shirt, hardhat and work-boots. Or simply cut the butt cheeks out of your jeans and saunter onto the jobsite as usual. You're sure to turn some heads, as well as some stomachs.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Take care. Dipping too far into savings would be a move you'd regret. Kind of like that time you got caught trying to make out with your cousin. You're a sick weirdo. Maybe you should just stay away form people if you're going to act like that.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You may be ready to make a commitment. First, you need to discuss a couple of things. You're having a hard time bringing them up, but you'd better do it. You don't have much time. You'll be dead in three weeks.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You could start out behind if you goofed off yesterday. Of course, you have no one to blame but yourself and that's even worse. When are you ever going to learn? Never pull anything like that unless you're absolutely sure you have someone else to blame. Idiot.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You could be in an unusually bold mood. You're generally so docile - even shy. Tonight, you'll drink way too much and end up making a total ass out of yourself. At least try not to hump on anyone's leg like last year.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Pay attention to details or pay the consequences. Pants first, then shoes. You'll get it eventually. Keep trying. Today could be a good day to stop sniffing glue.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A friend needs help, and you could come up with the winning suggestion. Suggest that they "leave you the fuck alone." You're going to have enough to deal with later when you find out that your partner is cheating on you. Again.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
This is not a good day to ask for a raise, even if you're worth it. If you ask for a raise today, you will be stabbed in the throat with a letter opener. Get back to your cubicle where you belong, you mindless drone.
 
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