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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
August 31, 2001


By Martin Felcher

August 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The best thing for you to do is to focus completely on your work. If your personal relationship gets in the way, it must mean that they are trying to stifle you. Get rid of them. Isn't it about time you cut some dead weight?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22

Venus smiles on you this month and your bank account swells. Invest with a partner to reap huge profits. Give everything you own to the first person that asks you for money today. Don't even ask their name, jsut give them your wallett and car keys. You'll be glad you did. Oh yeah, your partner is fucking your best friend too.

Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

True Love can be yours, this month, but not with the white man. Parents respect it when you stand up for yourself. What could be better to show them commitment than you bringing a black man into your bed. Jewish parents will smile on this gesture the most. Go black, and never go back.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You're wooed by the call of the wild. Take care of business first (before the 16th) and then you can enjoy a recess. Relationship-wise, it's time for a jaunt into new turf--you'll find someone, but not in your usual circles. Have a gay encounter at a reststop to see if it's for you. Kids may have unusual demands. Ask questions to uncover the truth. Hint: cigarette burns will make them talk.

Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Venus heats up both hormones and financial opportunity in May. What better way to take advantage of this than prostitution? Creativity, play, and plain old luck abound--it's safe to take chances. Dare to be daring and great things will result. This can only mean one thing, don't make him wear a rubber. That's your niche. That's what will seperate you from the other whores. Reveal the depths of your passion. The world (and someone special) is ready for it. Oh yeah, and do anal.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You're a homebody this month. Make things cozy and then cuddle up. Hearth and home never looked better. Start those home improvements, board up those windows and get more guns. It's only a matter of time before they come for you. You'd better be prepard.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
That brain of yours has been working overtime, Aries! Don't listen to anyone today and, whatever you do, don't take their advice! They are out to destroy you and undermine your plans. You could have to spend a little cash today. Better start saving for that abortion.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Whether you're climbing the professional ladder or navigating the arena of relationships, you fail miserably. You'll be constantly distracted today and will have no time for yourself. Libra is out to get you. You'd be smart to throw the first punch.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Wherever you go, whatever you do, you just can't seem to get a fucking break this month. You're a lot smarter than that. Quit your job today.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
There's a puzzle to be solved relating to potential love interest. Most likely they're cheating on you. It would be a good idea for you to follow them all day today to find out for sure.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Influential friends are out to get you. Don't listen to them or accept their help. At month's end, a secret heartthrob asks you for a commitment. Be realistic. They're probably just after your money. Security matters. Tell them that they can go fuck themselves.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

The "go for it" mood of April continues this month. it's most likely just the natural progression of your disease. Next month you should be bed ridden. You'll be dead within a month.

 
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