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November
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Grass is always greener, eh Sag? You thought you were
content, and then what-another flavor gets introduced and you just
have to have a taste. Typical. One if these days your sorry ass will
be able to appreciate what you have, and not always keep one eye out
for something better. That day isn't coming anytime soon, though.
In the meantime, be careful what you sample. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You always do everything right, don't you? Set boundaries,
live by the rules, maintain proprieties-I wish just once you'd allow
yourself a fuck-up. I know there are those who'd like to assist in
that endeavor. Just one juicy, luscious, lascivious night. That wouldn't
warp you too much. You can go back to your respectful, old-fashioned
ways right after. I promise. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You are everyone's best friend, but no one's one-and-only.
That's fine with you. If you had your way, there'd be no obligations,
no constraints, no commitments. Just you and your happy-to-go-fuck-her
member, gallivanting around, providing pleasure to any who seems worthy.
What a delightfully warped world you live in. With friends like you,
…maybe you need an enema. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your emotions are all over the place, much like your
dirty laundry. Get yourself together. Pick yourself up off the floor.
Have someone slap you silly. You've got people depending on you not
to lose it, but that's exactly what you're about to do. Prescribe
yourself an herbal remedy, preferably of the Cannabis variety. If
you kick back and check out for a while, you'll feel rejuvenated.
A little foggy-brained, but rejuvenated. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Hey dumbass. Remember what happened last time when you
decided to just say 'fuck it' and leave all your problems behind?
They followed you. And you acquired new ones, from which you're now
fleeing. Your impulsiveness and fly-by-the-seat-of-your-dirty-pants
mentality takes its toll on those around you. If you're not careful,
your new ladylove will say 'fuck it' too, and then she won't be fuckin'
you anymore. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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What the hell are you waiting for, pantywaist? You think
you're being patient, but really you're just scared. Scared of the
nagging bitch in your bed whom you know you can never satisfy. Scared
of having a vision but never seeing its fruition. You know what you
need to do. Just gather up your balls and go do it already. You need
to look for an outlet for your aggression. Slamming cups of Starbucks
just isn't cutting it. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Your love of variety and new experiences could get you
in trouble if you're not careful. The twist you want to add to your
next tryst could be the ultimate in pleasure, but could bring about
your downfall as well. Tread lightly. Kiss frequently. Speak softly.
Dress for the occasion, if you know what I mean. (No, I don't mean
break out the zipper mouth mask) Know what and whom you're getting
into. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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If anyone knows how to put up with your moody bullshit,
I wish they'd let me in on it. You Crabs are great for fighting and
fucking, but beyond that, it's too Jerry Springer. Sorry, just had
to get that off my considerably large chest. Follow your instincts
where love is concerned. If that doesn't work, follow your nose. Your
girl's got more stank than a 20 dollar whore. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Sorry, Lion, but it's definitely not your time to shine.
I know how much you love to be in the spotlight and all, but give
it a rest for the moment. Your jokes are almost as used- and dried-up
as your grandmother's coochie. Stay home. Nurse your beer and your
bruised ego and before you know it, you'll have watched enough of
the Man Show to replenish your well of weak quips. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Well, I never know what to tell you, Virgo,
because whatever I say, you'll just find fault with it like you do
everything else. What crawled up your cosmological ass before you
were born into this world? What penance are you paying from a mistake
in a former life? I don't pretend to know. All I do know is, Prince
Valium is your best friend, and I am not. Get laid. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The delicate balance of the give-and-take relationship
in which you like to operate is out of whack. You give and your so-called-love
takes. Actually, you'll give it to anyone who's interested. Stop that!
Fulfill yourself by yourself. You'll find that you're reliable, consistent,
and always satisfying. Your recent jaunt out of town did you worlds
of good. You need to travel more often. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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If only there were more stingers out there like yours.
You have a relatively easy time communicating what you want, with
or without words. Be careful when you do speak, though. You usually
end up hurting someone a bit more than you'd intended. And, yes, you
usually like to inflict at least a little prick. |
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