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August
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
Are you an agent
of change or a defender of the status quo? Is the glass half empty
or half full? Do you have any idea what the hall we're saying, because
we don't. All we know is that you're going to have another shitty
week. If you're a woman, you have a fat ass. If you're a man, you
have a small dick and your breath stinks. Just keep drinking until
further notice. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
You're
a diamond in the rough. Your inspiration gleams elusively from the
depths of a tangled mess. Yeah. Right! That's just the sun reflecting
off the spotlight of that squad-car that will pull you over later
this week. You're going to get the beating of your life and the mace
will have your eyes swollen shut for days. What did you do?! What
did you doooooo!!!?? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
Under
the Aquarius Moon, lust wears the clothes of intellect and sincerity.
A stranger may not be the love of your life, but they'll certainly
be someone to remember. Blah blah blah. Really, who cares? Certainly
not you. When's the last time got laid anyway? Just take whatever
you can get. Remember, in a bar situation, go ugly and go early.
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
A quick fix
falls apart; take this as a lesson to do it right the first time.
The truth is that all the extra effort you put into what should've
been a relatively simple task has resulted in a more intimate understanding
of what you're dealing with. That's what you'd expect, but this
happens every god damn time with you. Why don't you try writing
it down for next time. First pants, THEN shoes, you fucking moron.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
Parts
of you are simply aching to be brought out. Your closest associates
aren't aware of your hidden personality traits, so you should make
them see what a well-rounded and diverse person you are. You are more
complex and creative than you let on so go ahead, be yourself. Show
them your true colors. You won't make a fool out of yourself! It's
ok pffftttt.Jesus Christ; I can barely keep a straight face. Seriously.
Go for it, tiger! Hahahah!
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
may feel like you've missed out on the good things. A truer measure
of your luck would be to count the bad things that could have happened
but didn't. What am I saying? You know that's all a load of crap.
If you really want to depress yourself, try counting all the good
things that could have happened but didn't. Take it a step further
and try to figure out what stupid mistake you made that ruined it
for you. You're such a loser! It's almost like there's some mysterious
force out there that makes your life suck! Get used to it. It's all
downhill from here. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
With
the Moon in Aquarius, you're capable of brilliant strokes of genius
this week. Well, relatively speaking anyway. If brilliant for you
is chewing with your mouth closed, then this is going to be a good
week. Otherwise, try not to have too much contact with other people.
It will only lead to more trouble. Maybe you should live alone. ..In
a small cabin. …Hundreds of miles from any other human being.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
Clueless
people should be tolerated but not indulged. A woman's place is in
the home. Jewish people are money hungry and they run Hollywood. Black
people were put on this Earth to entertain us. Nobody likes midgets.
Retards should be sterilized. Who the hell comes up with this stuff
anyway? Oh yeah. There's a good chance you're going to lose your job
this week, you racist piece of shit. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
You're
out of control. Don't try to do too many things at once, because you're
almost surely screw it up just like you usually do. Who cares that
you don't have any friends. Stay home and clean your bathroom instead.
Maybe if you hadn't neglected your personal hygiene for s long, you
could get laid this weekend. Make an appointment to see a dentist. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
Did
your so-called friends run off and leave you holding the bag? Those
cocksuckers!! Fill that bag with dog-shit, light it on fire and throw
it at their front door. Then go out and get yourself some new friends.
Try to find ones that don't treat you like an asshole this time, if
you can. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
Gemini,
have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Have you ever seen a grown
man naked? Well get ready, because this week will be full of that
sort of thing and you're going to need all the help you can get just
to survive it. You might as well go kill yourself. It's going to get
a lot worse before it gets any better. Oh yeah, and your partner doesn't
really like you as much as you think. Sorry. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
You
can't judge a book by its cover, and you'll soon find that out the
hard way. Once your little problem subsides, no one else has to know
about it. Thank god for penicillin, huh? Relieve some of the pressure
with a bit of self-imposed fun. Yes, there's still plenty to celebrate.
At it's worst, your outbreaks will only last for a few days, and there
are plenty of dating services for people just like you. Scumbag. |
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