Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
August 3, 2001


By Martin Felcher

August 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

Are you an agent of change or a defender of the status quo? Is the glass half empty or half full? Do you have any idea what the hall we're saying, because we don't. All we know is that you're going to have another shitty week. If you're a woman, you have a fat ass. If you're a man, you have a small dick and your breath stinks. Just keep drinking until further notice.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You're a diamond in the rough. Your inspiration gleams elusively from the depths of a tangled mess. Yeah. Right! That's just the sun reflecting off the spotlight of that squad-car that will pull you over later this week. You're going to get the beating of your life and the mace will have your eyes swollen shut for days. What did you do?! What did you doooooo!!!??
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Under the Aquarius Moon, lust wears the clothes of intellect and sincerity. A stranger may not be the love of your life, but they'll certainly be someone to remember. Blah blah blah. Really, who cares? Certainly not you. When's the last time got laid anyway? Just take whatever you can get. Remember, in a bar situation, go ugly and go early.

Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A quick fix falls apart; take this as a lesson to do it right the first time. The truth is that all the extra effort you put into what should've been a relatively simple task has resulted in a more intimate understanding of what you're dealing with. That's what you'd expect, but this happens every god damn time with you. Why don't you try writing it down for next time. First pants, THEN shoes, you fucking moron.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Parts of you are simply aching to be brought out. Your closest associates aren't aware of your hidden personality traits, so you should make them see what a well-rounded and diverse person you are. You are more complex and creative than you let on so go ahead, be yourself. Show them your true colors. You won't make a fool out of yourself! It's ok pffftttt.Jesus Christ; I can barely keep a straight face. Seriously. Go for it, tiger! Hahahah!

Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You may feel like you've missed out on the good things. A truer measure of your luck would be to count the bad things that could have happened but didn't. What am I saying? You know that's all a load of crap. If you really want to depress yourself, try counting all the good things that could have happened but didn't. Take it a step further and try to figure out what stupid mistake you made that ruined it for you. You're such a loser! It's almost like there's some mysterious force out there that makes your life suck! Get used to it. It's all downhill from here.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
With the Moon in Aquarius, you're capable of brilliant strokes of genius this week. Well, relatively speaking anyway. If brilliant for you is chewing with your mouth closed, then this is going to be a good week. Otherwise, try not to have too much contact with other people. It will only lead to more trouble. Maybe you should live alone. ..In a small cabin. …Hundreds of miles from any other human being.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Clueless people should be tolerated but not indulged. A woman's place is in the home. Jewish people are money hungry and they run Hollywood. Black people were put on this Earth to entertain us. Nobody likes midgets. Retards should be sterilized. Who the hell comes up with this stuff anyway? Oh yeah. There's a good chance you're going to lose your job this week, you racist piece of shit.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You're out of control. Don't try to do too many things at once, because you're almost surely screw it up just like you usually do. Who cares that you don't have any friends. Stay home and clean your bathroom instead. Maybe if you hadn't neglected your personal hygiene for s long, you could get laid this weekend. Make an appointment to see a dentist.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Did your so-called friends run off and leave you holding the bag? Those cocksuckers!! Fill that bag with dog-shit, light it on fire and throw it at their front door. Then go out and get yourself some new friends. Try to find ones that don't treat you like an asshole this time, if you can.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Gemini, have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Have you ever seen a grown man naked? Well get ready, because this week will be full of that sort of thing and you're going to need all the help you can get just to survive it. You might as well go kill yourself. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. Oh yeah, and your partner doesn't really like you as much as you think. Sorry.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You can't judge a book by its cover, and you'll soon find that out the hard way. Once your little problem subsides, no one else has to know about it. Thank god for penicillin, huh? Relieve some of the pressure with a bit of self-imposed fun. Yes, there's still plenty to celebrate. At it's worst, your outbreaks will only last for a few days, and there are plenty of dating services for people just like you. Scumbag.
 
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