| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Sunday
September 10, 2000
By Evil Sarah
|
|
September
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
|
|
|
|
4
|
5
|
|
|
8
|
9
|
|
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
|
|
17
|
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
|
23
|
|
24
|
|
26
|
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
If
nothing else is pressing, how about planning your next week? Year?
Ten years? It's amazing how much you can accomplish once you know
where you're going. After you're done, think about what would happen
if you got hit by a bus. Do you think you might regret all that planning?
Quit being such an uptight douche-bag and go outside for a change. |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
Others
may think you're brilliant, but you may harbor doubts, and rightfully
so. You're a fake. A fraud. A rip-off artist. Why don't you try doing
something original for once in your life? If you can, that is. |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
Your energy
level's low, and you may be a tad depressed. Take a whole handful
of sleeping pills and wash them down with a pint of vodka. That
ought to help you and everyone that's had to listen to you're incessant
whining for the last few weeks get some well deserved relaxation.
|
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
If
you're single, a person you meet through friends could be a keeper.
If you're married, an outing with friends should be great fun. If
you're recently divorced, it's probably your fault. If you've recently
lost a loved one, they probably didn't like you anyway. If your parents
gave your pet to some 'people with a nice farm where he can play',
that just means that they had it put to sleep. Grow up. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
Things
never seem to turn out like you want them to. They certainly never
end up like you expected. Up until this, you always thought you could
fix things, but this time you can't. This time you took a path with
no way to turn back. I hope you're happy with it, but you and everyone
else know you won't be. |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
Travel
(get off the couch), start new projects (get a job), fall in love
(prostitute). Two out of three wouldn't be bad, but why not go for
all three? If you're single (loser), a long-distance romance could
blossom (escort service). If you're committed ("life partner"), an
exotic location brings back the old spark (butt sex). |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
The
Sun is in Virgo. The moon is headed into Venus. Your car is in the
shop. Most of your stuff is in hock. Your life is in ruins. Your kid
is in jail. Your mate is in rehab. At least there's Malt Liquor. |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
There's
an old saying that, "Serving others is always satisfying". Yeah. About
as satisfying as beating your head against a wall. Whoever said that
is a fucking idiot. Server no-one except yourself! Other people will
only slow you down, and try to take advantage of you. When are you
ever going to learn? Asshole. |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
You
may finally be acknowledged for a job well done. Funny thing is, the
most difficult part isn't what's bringing in the most kudos. The stuff
you thought was easy looks tough to others, so from now on, try and
stick someone else with the hard stuff so you can slack and get all
the credit. You'll do just fine, since you're such a backstabbing
prick. |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
Get
some rest. You've been carrying more weight than you realized. You've
got a constant twitch in your left eye and later today, you'll completely
lose your sense of smell. You're well on your way to insanity and
institutionalization. Way to go, dumbass. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
If
you listen and take notes, you could get some excellent advice. Hang
out with the person who has the most of whatever you want. Get him
or her to talk, and you could find out more than you ever wanted to
know. Try to use what you learn to blackmail them and ruin that squeaky-clean
reputation of theirs. They're just as depraved as anyone else and
it's high time everyone else knows it. |
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
You
should feel a little better but still not up to speed. Let your friends
and mate take care of you for a little while longer. They probably
don't mind cleaning up your vomit and changing you every time you
lose control of your bowels. Look at yourself. You should have done
everyone a favor and just jumped off a bridge. You suck. |
|
|
|
