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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Kill
Kill Kill Kill. Don't second guess yourself, just do it. Kill! Kill!
Kill!! |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
should be in a pretty good mood. Having today off would be nice so
that you could play with friends. Call your work and tell them there's
a bomb in the building and that it's set to go off at noon. By the
time they check things out, it will be time to go home anyway. The
next day, tell your boss about your little prank. He'll think it's
hysterical! |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Something
that needs your attention is going on at home. Your son or daughter
is gay. Right now, they're performing all sorts of unnatural sex acts
with the neighbor kid. There will be blood and feces covering your
sheets when you get home. They'll try to deny it. Don't trust them. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
a little more assertive than usual today. Everyone is starting to
hate you for it. You always act like you're the center of the fucking
universe and everything revolves around you. Well guess what? It isn't.
You're a pushy asshole and someone is going to kick your scrawny ass
if you don't shut the fuck up. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
getting a lot of attention, and that could make you nervous. If you're
in charge of somebody else's money, ask them what they want. Then,
without their knowing it, invest the money in some worthless penny-stock
and see what happens. It isn't your money. Why should you give a shit
if it's lost? That fucking idiot should have known better than to
trust a thieving jerk like you anyway. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
look marvelous, or so you think. What were you thinking? You really
look like some sort of circus freak. Everyone is laughing at you behind
your back. You're such a joke. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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If
more than one person gives you an assignment, you just tell them to
back the fuck off. What are you some sort of slave? Try this. Lick
your index finger and rub your forearm vigorously as if you're trying
to remove a stain. When nothing happens, thrust your arm in front
of their face and scream, "What color is this?! Huh!? What color
am I, motherfucker!?" They'll get the hint that you're no slave,
and return to giving you the respect you deserve. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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This
is a nice day for you. You're strong, confident and ready to get things
done. There's a group of criminals in your area that are impersonating
police officers. If you see one, throw rocks at him until he is under
control. You'll be a hero and everyone will thank you for your bravery. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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If you want
to sell your idea, show the buyer the bottom line. If you're a woman,
show him your tits. Let's face it, your idea sucks and the only
reason that they're even talking to you is that tight little ass
of yours. You suck. You're nothing but a filthy whore.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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If
you can't spend the day running and playing, at least schedule a day
like that for later. Jerk off in the bathroom of where you work. You'll
find that it relaxes and centers you. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You're
in the spotlight today. More like under the microscope. Soon your
dirty little secret is going to be uncovered and you'll be laughed
out of town. Better commit suicide and avoid the embarrassment. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
might argue with your partner today. Don't give in, no matter what.
Even if you think she's on to you, stick to your story. She won't
be able to prove a thing and you'll most likely get away with it.
Deny deny deny. |
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