Fugly
Did you know?... 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
2003
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
February 3, 2003


By: M Borkofski
February 2003
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Things may seem rough right now, but they will look up. Then, just when things start to look up again, they will probably go straight to the shitter once and for all.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Someone stole your car!? Noooo, silly. You just forgot where you parked. These are symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. Soon you'll forget where you live and how to go to the bathroom by yourself.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Things could always be worse. You could be giving head to a toothless weirdo in a Port-O-Potty to support your crack habit. Cheer up! At least that last guy had teeth.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You are feeling a little bit lousy because your breasts are too big. A 40DD!? It wouldn't be so bad if you were at least female. God damnit you're one fat motherfucker.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Listen, the stars hate to be the ones to tell you this, but you are a little bit too fat to wear those pants. You've tried every diet and none have worked, so now might be the perfect time to try a new method. Refer to this for more information.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
After serious contemplation, the stars have decided it is malignant. Sorry.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Your romantic side has a tendency to want to be adventurous. But masturbating on a park bench during your lunch break is neither romantic, nor adventurous. It's just gross. This is probably why you're still a virgin.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
It can be hard helping others when you are feeling overburdened, yourself. I mean, 12 kids is a lot to handle. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you really think that Malt Liquor was a better purchase decision than birth control. You're such a whore.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You will find yourself at a lack of funds in coming weeks. But look on the bright side; you're poor anyway. You've been poor your whole life. According to statistics, the chances of you moving up a social class are very low. Food stamps were made for people like you.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Use your education to achieve the goals you want to achieve. Use your body to seduce your teachers if you are having trouble in class. Use your legs to run if you get caught by the wife.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Sometimes sweet memories have a tendency to cloud your priorities. Listen, the stars miss 1983 just as much as you do. But at your first day on the job, cocaine isn't the great icebreaker it used to be.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You are feeling the need for direction. Well, don't look to the stars. Instead, try listening to a few Iron Maiden records backwards. There's a lot of valuable information in these if you listen hard enough.
 
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