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October
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
seem to be missing something of an intangible quality, whose aspect
might be compared to Peter Pan's lost shadow. Unfortunately for you,
it won't be found in the bottom of a glass or in the perfect round
ass. I can't tell you where to look, only that when you find it, you'll
know immediately. Grab it fast and don't let go, cause it might not
be there when you come back. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
usual mental gymnastics, however invigorating for you, torment your
significant other. When factored in with the lack of bedroom gymnastics,
you get a horny, pissed-off lover who may look for a little relief
elsewhere. Before that happens, make a concerted effort to concentrate
on your better half's needs so they can reciprocate and make your
mind do loopty-loops for the right reasons. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Your
world seems in shambles right now, Goat. The job sucks and your honey
doesn't. Don't let it get you down. Focus your considerable energy
on yourself and yourself alone. Exercise, eat healthy foods, and drink
lots of liquor. If you find yourself getting lonely, find a friendly
Kitty to play with. Pretty soon you'll both be purring a happy tune. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
must have some holes in your bucket- you're leaking fluids all over
the place. Try to contain yourself for a little while, at least. Store
up some of that energy for the coming weeks during which you'll have
your strength and your sanity tested. Family members in particular
require a lot of your time and attention. Your relatively structure-less
life leaves plenty of time for reflection about why there's no food
in the fridge. There is, however, beer! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
overabundance of pesky emotions keeps you from enjoying yourself to
the fullest. Try not to sink so deep in thought and feelings, analyzing
every conversation and situation to death. Once you let go of your
head trips, you can really enjoy the trip your about to take. It will
be a long one, leading to a life-changing event. You are prepared
for it, so don't sweat. Let your friends help with the details, and
it'll go off with a big hitch. Congratulations! |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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What
the hell is your problem lately? Can you think of someone beside yourself
for a change? You are so wrapped up in your warped little world you
forget to acknowledge some basic responsibilities to others. Oh well…that's
to be expected from the baby of the Zodiac. Pucker up; you have a
lot of ass-kissing to do. FYU- you are not being followed by the FBI
or CIA. The NFL won't take you, but the XFL might. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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My
but aren't we on a high horse! You're so sure of yourself these days,
but what have you really accomplished? So you have a good job, comfy
quarters, and a nice ride- big deal. Let me know when your able to
let someone else achieve, over and over again, until they are begging
for mercy. When you are able to get down and dirty without worrying
about appearances, then you'll have really learned something. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Oh
my goodness. You are full of surprises, and many would like to be
full of you (or fill you in…). Being in such high demand must
take its toll, but you'd never know it judging from your incredible
stamina. Keep it up! And up and up. Don't work too hard on rising
to the top; success comes naturally for you. Conserve your energy
for more delicious endeavors. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Look
for your love life to be hit-and-miss. You'll hit them and they'll
miss you. Don't feel obligated to keep up with flaky friends who'd
rather play phone tag than actually get together. Your time is valuable,
and will become more so due to upcoming career complications. Don't
worry though; any setbacks will be temporary. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Hang
in there, Lion. The information for which you have been waiting will
reach you in the next few days. It will clear up all your questions,
but not that annoying rash. For that to clear up, you need to decompress
with some seriously strong mixed drinks and maybe several steroid
shots. Sex is also good for stress, so have a lot if your partner
won't mind the periodic stops to scratch. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Adventure
awaits you, if you have the balls to take some chances. A co-worker
finds you very attractive, and doesn't mind that you're already attached.
If you're open to it, the three of you could explore erotic possibilities
heretofore only imagined. Talk about adventure! If you're a little
timid, try slugging down a few shots. That'll help if you're short
on balls. You know what I mean. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
about to drop all the balls you've been juggling, even the really
big ones you thought you could never lose. When you come up empty
handed, empty mouthed, and empty everything else, don't come crying.
Just suck it up and make apologies where you need to, and maybe some
of those balls will find their way back to you. A roommate needs to
know you can clean. |
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