Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
October 26, 2001


By Madame Borkofski
October 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You seem to be missing something of an intangible quality, whose aspect might be compared to Peter Pan's lost shadow. Unfortunately for you, it won't be found in the bottom of a glass or in the perfect round ass. I can't tell you where to look, only that when you find it, you'll know immediately. Grab it fast and don't let go, cause it might not be there when you come back.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your usual mental gymnastics, however invigorating for you, torment your significant other. When factored in with the lack of bedroom gymnastics, you get a horny, pissed-off lover who may look for a little relief elsewhere. Before that happens, make a concerted effort to concentrate on your better half's needs so they can reciprocate and make your mind do loopty-loops for the right reasons.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Your world seems in shambles right now, Goat. The job sucks and your honey doesn't. Don't let it get you down. Focus your considerable energy on yourself and yourself alone. Exercise, eat healthy foods, and drink lots of liquor. If you find yourself getting lonely, find a friendly Kitty to play with. Pretty soon you'll both be purring a happy tune.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You must have some holes in your bucket- you're leaking fluids all over the place. Try to contain yourself for a little while, at least. Store up some of that energy for the coming weeks during which you'll have your strength and your sanity tested. Family members in particular require a lot of your time and attention. Your relatively structure-less life leaves plenty of time for reflection about why there's no food in the fridge. There is, however, beer!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your overabundance of pesky emotions keeps you from enjoying yourself to the fullest. Try not to sink so deep in thought and feelings, analyzing every conversation and situation to death. Once you let go of your head trips, you can really enjoy the trip your about to take. It will be a long one, leading to a life-changing event. You are prepared for it, so don't sweat. Let your friends help with the details, and it'll go off with a big hitch. Congratulations!
Aries
March 20- April 19
What the hell is your problem lately? Can you think of someone beside yourself for a change? You are so wrapped up in your warped little world you forget to acknowledge some basic responsibilities to others. Oh well…that's to be expected from the baby of the Zodiac. Pucker up; you have a lot of ass-kissing to do. FYU- you are not being followed by the FBI or CIA. The NFL won't take you, but the XFL might.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
My but aren't we on a high horse! You're so sure of yourself these days, but what have you really accomplished? So you have a good job, comfy quarters, and a nice ride- big deal. Let me know when your able to let someone else achieve, over and over again, until they are begging for mercy. When you are able to get down and dirty without worrying about appearances, then you'll have really learned something.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Oh my goodness. You are full of surprises, and many would like to be full of you (or fill you in…). Being in such high demand must take its toll, but you'd never know it judging from your incredible stamina. Keep it up! And up and up. Don't work too hard on rising to the top; success comes naturally for you. Conserve your energy for more delicious endeavors.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Look for your love life to be hit-and-miss. You'll hit them and they'll miss you. Don't feel obligated to keep up with flaky friends who'd rather play phone tag than actually get together. Your time is valuable, and will become more so due to upcoming career complications. Don't worry though; any setbacks will be temporary.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Hang in there, Lion. The information for which you have been waiting will reach you in the next few days. It will clear up all your questions, but not that annoying rash. For that to clear up, you need to decompress with some seriously strong mixed drinks and maybe several steroid shots. Sex is also good for stress, so have a lot if your partner won't mind the periodic stops to scratch.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Adventure awaits you, if you have the balls to take some chances. A co-worker finds you very attractive, and doesn't mind that you're already attached. If you're open to it, the three of you could explore erotic possibilities heretofore only imagined. Talk about adventure! If you're a little timid, try slugging down a few shots. That'll help if you're short on balls. You know what I mean.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You're about to drop all the balls you've been juggling, even the really big ones you thought you could never lose. When you come up empty handed, empty mouthed, and empty everything else, don't come crying. Just suck it up and make apologies where you need to, and maybe some of those balls will find their way back to you. A roommate needs to know you can clean.
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