Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
October 5, 2001


By Madame Borkofski
October 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You slut. You have it so good, but all you can do is keep one eye out for the next big thing. And he better have a big thing, too, or you won't bother. Your hypocrisy astounds me. Get off your soapbox; stop preaching to all your friends the virtues of personality and reliability, when all you want is reliably hard, large penes. Make an effort to make amends. You have an opportunity to be the good guy.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Your sly, secretive nature could get you in trouble. Your honey is tired of you slipping one in on her at the last minute, and I'm not referring to the morning wood. (She thoroughly enjoys that!) Be open and up-front for a change. Make plans in advance. Avoid any contracts or other legally binding situations; communications at this time get fucked up.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your frivolity, your utter joy at the beauty of life is at once inspiring and sickening. You're so happy, you're revolting. Look at the blackness of the cloud; expect the glass to be empty; turn your smile upside down. Now that you're on the level with the rest of us shmoes, carry on an intelligent conversation. Don't make your friends play guessing games as to how much of your brain is left.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You seem to have the urge to build things. You want to erect statues that are testament to your greatness. Before you go to those extremes, just get the regular old erection going first and without the Viagra this time. Then you'll feel like you've accomplished something. A project into which you've invested a lot of time will pay off. Keep hammering away.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
If you feel like your personal space is being invaded, it is. Quit letting people walk all over you and your friendly, generous nature. Your REALLY personal space isn't getting invaded by anyone though, and that's a shame, 'cause everyone thinks you're hot. Do yourself a favor and play the "for old time's sake" card. Go get some action, young sportsman! Go get Nathan, Jr.!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your ability to bond with anyone and everyone is not always a blessing. There are those who would take advantage of your mutable, placid nature. (Not flaccid. Please God, not flaccid.) Your exhaustion of late stems from the psychic sponges you work with every day. They suck your energy, but never your coochie. Go home to your lover, who will suck you good.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Go with your gut feelings early in the month. Try not to feel your gut, though. It's looming larger and larger over the horizon of your belt. Time to start cutting back on the beer, bags o' pork rines, and babes. OK, not the babes. They'll start cutting back on you if you don't get a handle on that belly. Your emotions could get away from you. Your self-centeredness is here to stay.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You'll feel the most powerful, the most charged up, around the 5th and 6th of this month. After that, you become a sorry sack of shit. Get out of your worthless funk and go do something. Drop your stubbornness when it comes to the "discussion" with your love. As much as you love to argue, you suck at it. Get over yourself.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
One of your personalities is fed up with the other. Internal struggles result in emotional turmoil for you and those whose lives you contaminate. You need to step back from the conflict and take a deep breath. Then take a toke. Your ruling planet, Mercury, is going retrograde, so this means stay put. Your appetite for travel will have to be curbed for now. Shut the fuck up for a change.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
On the 9th or 10th, you'll be at your best, which is not saying much. Look for your problems to intensify and multiply this month. Tackle your waning finances, your waxing addictions, but not your honey. She's in no mood for the fun, rough and tumble stuff since your broke ass can't take her out to dinner anymore. Quit crying.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You strut your stuff for all the world to see and relish every lingering gaze. It's a shame you have no shame at all. Oh well. As they say, when you got it, stick it out, prop them up, make it bulge if you can. Everyone's down on you lately 'cause you get all the nookie. Fuck 'em. Let them milk their baby batter in the bathroom with the dirty mag. It's not your fault you're so hot.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
All your fussing and fretting over opportunities to entertain result in nothing but hemorrhoids for you and a giant headache for the partner who puts up with your shit. When people see you coming, they cringe. As I've said so many times before, pull the stick out of your ass, and don't use it to stir the pot o' trouble you're used to cookin' up. Retire to the boudoir and let Prince Valium come to your rescue.
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