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October
2001
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6
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
slut. You have it so good, but all you can do is keep one eye out
for the next big thing. And he better have a big thing, too, or you
won't bother. Your hypocrisy astounds me. Get off your soapbox; stop
preaching to all your friends the virtues of personality and reliability,
when all you want is reliably hard, large penes. Make an effort to
make amends. You have an opportunity to be the good guy. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Your
sly, secretive nature could get you in trouble. Your honey is tired
of you slipping one in on her at the last minute, and I'm not referring
to the morning wood. (She thoroughly enjoys that!) Be open and up-front
for a change. Make plans in advance. Avoid any contracts or other
legally binding situations; communications at this time get fucked
up. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
frivolity, your utter joy at the beauty of life is at once inspiring
and sickening. You're so happy, you're revolting. Look at the blackness
of the cloud; expect the glass to be empty; turn your smile upside
down. Now that you're on the level with the rest of us shmoes, carry
on an intelligent conversation. Don't make your friends play guessing
games as to how much of your brain is left. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
seem to have the urge to build things. You want to erect statues that
are testament to your greatness. Before you go to those extremes,
just get the regular old erection going first and without the Viagra
this time. Then you'll feel like you've accomplished something. A
project into which you've invested a lot of time will pay off. Keep
hammering away. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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If
you feel like your personal space is being invaded, it is. Quit letting
people walk all over you and your friendly, generous nature. Your
REALLY personal space isn't getting invaded by anyone though, and
that's a shame, 'cause everyone thinks you're hot. Do yourself a favor
and play the "for old time's sake" card. Go get some action,
young sportsman! Go get Nathan, Jr.! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
ability to bond with anyone and everyone is not always a blessing.
There are those who would take advantage of your mutable, placid nature.
(Not flaccid. Please God, not flaccid.) Your exhaustion of late stems
from the psychic sponges you work with every day. They suck your energy,
but never your coochie. Go home to your lover, who will suck you good. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Go
with your gut feelings early in the month. Try not to feel your gut,
though. It's looming larger and larger over the horizon of your belt.
Time to start cutting back on the beer, bags o' pork rines, and babes.
OK, not the babes. They'll start cutting back on you if you don't
get a handle on that belly. Your emotions could get away from you.
Your self-centeredness is here to stay. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You'll
feel the most powerful, the most charged up, around the 5th and 6th
of this month. After that, you become a sorry sack of shit. Get out
of your worthless funk and go do something. Drop your stubbornness
when it comes to the "discussion" with your love. As much
as you love to argue, you suck at it. Get over yourself. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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One
of your personalities is fed up with the other. Internal struggles
result in emotional turmoil for you and those whose lives you contaminate.
You need to step back from the conflict and take a deep breath. Then
take a toke. Your ruling planet, Mercury, is going retrograde, so
this means stay put. Your appetite for travel will have to be curbed
for now. Shut the fuck up for a change. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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On
the 9th or 10th, you'll be at your best, which is not saying much.
Look for your problems to intensify and multiply this month. Tackle
your waning finances, your waxing addictions, but not your honey.
She's in no mood for the fun, rough and tumble stuff since your broke
ass can't take her out to dinner anymore. Quit crying. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
strut your stuff for all the world to see and relish every lingering
gaze. It's a shame you have no shame at all. Oh well. As they say,
when you got it, stick it out, prop them up, make it bulge if you
can. Everyone's down on you lately 'cause you get all the nookie.
Fuck 'em. Let them milk their baby batter in the bathroom with the
dirty mag. It's not your fault you're so hot. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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All
your fussing and fretting over opportunities to entertain result in
nothing but hemorrhoids for you and a giant headache for the partner
who puts up with your shit. When people see you coming, they cringe.
As I've said so many times before, pull the stick out of your ass,
and don't use it to stir the pot o' trouble you're used to cookin'
up. Retire to the boudoir and let Prince Valium come to your rescue.
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