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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
September 7, 2001


By Martin Felcher

September 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
There's a lot of energy around you today, especially with work and school. One of your co-workers or classmates is planning to go on a killing spree very soon. Which one do you think it is?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22

If you open your mind and heart up to learning something new, it will only lead to pain and suffering. It is best not to talk to anyone that's not the same race or religion as you. They'll only try and fill your head with propoganda. Most likely, they're only after your money.

Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Some of the things that you thought you believed very strongly in about the world could be changing a little right now. You're finding out that maybe there really is no God, and if there is, he doesn't like you.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Relationships are the focus today. See what you can do with your sweetie if you've been going through a rough spot. Suggest a threesome. Better yet, start having sex with someone else, and suprise him/her with it. If your wife/husband REALLY loves you, they'll do it. Contrary to what most experts say, threesomes help strengthen most relationships.

Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You'll be busy working pretty darn hard today and, as usual, not getting the recognition you deserve. People would respect you a LOT more if you were naked and waving a gun around. See if you can get as many things done as possible. Don't waste time!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You're feeling pretty darn creative today, Aquarius! It's a good time to get out and about with friends. You're looking very cute and someone has their eye on you. The problem is, it's not a mamber of the sex that you'd prefer. Their advances will become more agressive as the evening progresses and there's a good chance that things will end with a rape. Buy some pepper-spray.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
There could be something or someone that pulls you out of the house today at the last minute. it will probably be the police, and they will have a warrant. Understand that you're in a new and exciting time of your life, so be patient and learn as much as you can right now! Being someone's bitch in prison doesn't guarantee your safety. Fight back.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You've got a chance to clear the air with a lot of things that have been bothering you lately, but you'd rather stay home with your loser friends and smoke dope. You're never going to amount to anything. If you don't put a stop to Libra's evil plans, you'll be sorry.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may want to try and save a little money for some things you'd like to do in the future. If you think you need a raise or a new job, now is the time. Employers respect it most when you take the offensive. Don't ask for a raise, demand one! Raise your voice and make threatening gestures at them. If they refuse, tell them you have a gun, and threaten their family.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Those dizzy spells are getting annoying. Most likely it's not your diet, or stress, but a serious brain condition that is completely out of your control. Nothing can save you now.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You could see yourself in a new and unexpected way today. Maybe as a mamber of the opposite sex. You'd better get started. Sex change operations cost a lot of money, and there's usually a required psychological evaluation. Use this time to organize your thoughts and put some plans into action. If someone challenges you, spit on them and call them bitch!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

Spend time with some close friends that you have been neglecting. One of them is about to die. If someone upsets or annoys you today, try to understand that it's because you're better than they are. Try and explain this to them in a condescending tone of voice.

 
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