Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
May 4, 2001


By Martin Felcher

May 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You know what you want. That's the easy part. Keep that image firmly in your mind. If you have a photo that represents your goal, take it with you. Walk right up, hold out your money and say it. "Blow job!". Just make sure it's not a cop this time. Idiot.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You'd be going full speed ahead if not for a couple of doubts. That, and a couple of bullets in your legs and back after a failed car-jacking later tonight. Take the bus today, tough guy.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Meet with friends during the day, but opt for a quiet night at home. Tonight, your friends will all die in a fiery car wreck, and you want to be as far away from them as possible.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You have something going for you on the inside that nobody on the outside knows about. Not even you! That's right. It's Herpes!

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. All you want to do is play, but there's a big job to finish. You usually think of yourself as thorough and dependable, but seriously. Who are you trying to fool? You're a goof off. How did you even get this job anyway?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Your sparkling smile makes others forget their troubles. After all, how could anyone feel bad about their own troubles after seeing that mouth full of Indian-Corn you call teeth. Jesus fucking Christ. Have you ever been to the dentist?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You could end the day with a bonus. Something you have is more valuable than you realize. Someone you know could be in trouble. Better warn then, but first, brush your teeth. You have bad breath.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. There are still a couple of things slowing you down. It's actually about 30 or 40 things. They're called 'Pounds' you fat-ass.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. A very dear friend would like to talk with you. Too bad that they'll be killed in a car accident before they get the chance. Oh well. You've got other frie... oh wait.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You should be feeling pretty good inside. Somebody loves you very much. Don't know whom? You will later, when you get raped.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Something you want may not be as impossible as you think, but something you don't want is almost a certainty. Wear a rubber next time, you imbecile.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Your energy level is back up, and you have the support that you need. Thank God for Paxil, huh? Too bad that you'll freak the fuck out if you stop taking it. Your family is embarrassed by you.
 
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