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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
March 9, 2001


By Martin Felcher

March 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You may have a hunch that your skills need updating, and you're correct. Ask an expert for advice, and you'll become better at what you're doing. Ask them how they get their "clients" to "finish" so quickly and you'll make a lot more money in a lot less time, you filthy fucking whore.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Your financial situation could improve. It's not because you're working overtime; more likely, it's because you'll find something valuable hidden in your closets, like a gun or a bottle of ether. It's up to you to turn these tools in to some cold, hard cash!
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Reason won't be enough to change your mind today, and with good reason. You'll have suffered a sharp blow to the back of the head and you won't remember much from the entire morning. Maybe you should think about moving.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
An older person will try to tell you something, and you ought to listen. Trouble is, it's body language they'll be using, not words. They'll turn blue and grab at their throat while making all sorts of horrible, wrenching faces. They'll knock plates and glasses off the table and gasp for air. What could it mean? Don't interfere. Watch, and learn from their wisdom.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
A friend is having a tough time, but this is good for you. You can learn from another's mistake and besides, you enjoy witnessing other people's misfortunes. You're such an asshole. No wonder nobody likes you.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Three words define your weekend. Blunt. Force. Trauma.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Reaching out to touch someone might be more difficult than you thought, especially when you're incarcerated. Isn't that how you got yourself in this mess in the first place?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Lazy, fat and stupid is no way to go through life.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

As unbelievable as it may seem, you ARE as dumb as you look. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You should be using brains instead of brawn to get the job done. That's what you're telling yourself, too. But how? You're too stupid to figure it out, aren't you? You bite the caps off of your beer bottles too, don't you? Like everything else, you'll eventually learn it the hard way. Retard.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
True love awaits if you can just make time for it. You deserve to have a little fun just like everyone else, but in your case, you sometimes have to fight for it. Sometimes you have to drug it and kidnap it. Sometimes, when you're done with it, you have to kill it and bury it. See what we're saying?
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You may have dreams about the good you'd like to do for society, but today your own private spaces need attention. Not 'spaces' like your home or your neighborhood, but 'spaces' like the ones you keep missing when you take a shower. Maybe if you weren't so fat, you could reach them. Tie a rag to the end of a stick or something and get in there and scrub scrub scrub!
 
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