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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
February 5, 2001


By Martin Felcher
February 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You feel infused with super-human powers. Barriers become mere stepping stones. Your persistence is paying off but, unfortunately, so is whatever it was you took that's making you feel so good. Soon you'll be back to your normal, depressing self. Oh, goody.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your imagination is more active than usual. Your fantasies may have been even more bizarre than reality, too. It'll be over in a few days. By then, you should have some great new stories to tell, like what Thorazine feels like and how it is to smell colors and fight with the police with the strength of ten men.
Aries
March 20- April 19
A strategy meeting with your team is required to produce the desired results. If you don't have a team, get one. You might have to use force. Get them one at a time from an elementary school playground if you have to, but just get them quickly.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
If you're struggling with rules and regulations, take heart. Your luck regarding money is about to change too. We've got two words for you. "Big Lay off". Wait, that's three words. Either way, see you in the unemployment line.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're a busy little bee today so don't waste time with other people's problems. If you pick up the phone and it's someone you don't want to talk to, don't screw around with chitchat and small talk. Hang up on their ass. Everybody already knows what a jackass you are. Who are you trying to fool?
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are so money, and you don't even know it. No, wait. You'll soon have no money and you won't even know it. That's right. Someone is cleaning you out, right under your nose. Prepare for a fight.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Stick to what you know best. Don't argue with your partner, mate or legal adviser. Don't get into any major competitions, either, because like everything you do, you'll inevitably fuck it up.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Not everyone sweats and gets out-of-breath when they eat. Have you seen yourself lately? Do you even own a mirror? You're disgusting.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The barriers to true love are dissolving. Inhibitions are beginning to lower and soon the sparks of true passion will fly. Not between you and your partner, but between your partner and his or her 'other' partner.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Commitments you make now pertaining to home, family or real estate should last for eternity. We're talking about your will. If you don't have one, get one because you're going to need it very soon.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your curiosity knows no bounds. Maybe it should. Maybe you wouldn't make a fool out of yourself over and over and over again if you just learned how to control your self a little bit better. You're a fool and everyone laughs at you behind your back.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Someone you know is plotting against you. They'll begin by asking you for a favor and end up taking advantage of you, again. Don't do anything for anybody today, no matter what.
 
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