Fugly
Did you know?... If the timeline of earth was compressed into one year, humans wouldn't show up until December 31 at 11:58 p.m.
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
January 22, 2001


By Martin Felcher
January 2001
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
-
1
3
5
6
7
8
10
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
-
-
-


Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The lure of far distant isles has got you looking at travel videos and saving up your pennies. The lure of prepubescent boys has got you looking at small cages and the tensile strength of certain types of rope. The lure of violence has got you looking at firearms, again. Try listening to the lure of sanity and get yourself some help, you sick weirdo.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Don't convince yourself that a story you're making up is true. Instead, ask friends for feedback. They'll give you the straight scoop and tell you exactly what happened this weekend, although after they tell you, you'll wish you had never asked.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You'll have a hard time adjusting to a new situation today. Later, a part of your body that you really shouldn't have shaved will begin to itch. Don't scratch it.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You've been working hard, but you never seem to get the recognition you deserve. Maybe your employer would respond better to blackmail or threats of physical violence. It really couldn't make the situation any worse, could it?
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You'd like to keep learning but you have to pay the rent. Don't worry about it; just get back to work. You can earn money and do research at the same time by signing up for one of those drug-test studies. Those things are perfectly safe so feel comfortable signing whatever waivers they ask you to.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Sometimes talking about money can be frustrating, but it can also be inspiring and romantic. There's nothing more romantic than a retirement account in both your names, except maybe the payout from a fat life insurance policy you took out on him/her.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
A person you admire for good sense may have a wildly impractical streak. It's your Dad. He likes to dress in women's clothes and if you're not careful, today you'll witness it first hand.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The days to come will be full of mechanical challenges. Leg-braces, wheelchair lifts, and a back-brace are going to require at least another 45 minutes to get ready for work in the morning. Set your alarm clock now.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You could get way off schedule by talking to your sweetheart on the phone. It's not a good idea to get distracted if you should be doing something else and it's an ever worse idea to talk to him/her on speakerphone, especially if your husband/wife is in the room. Imbecile.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You're learning about something you want to do, but you're not learning fast enough. One problem is you want to know everything right away. Another is that you're kind of dumb and it's pretty tough for you to learn anything. Why don't you try something a little less complicated, like digging a ditch and filling it back up again?

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Are you working on a big assignment? Are you more interested in daydreaming about something you and your sweetheart want to do together? Probably so, you lazy piece of shit. Get back to work before you get yourself fired.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Jot down whatever bursts into your brain. This could be the idea of the century. You could be rolling in dough in no time. At the very least, doctors will have something to look at to try and figure out just what drove a person to do what you did, you sick bastard.
 
Contact | Privacy | Copyright