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January
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You've
got the common sense, but the other person has the emotional hook.
Face it; you're snagged. It's going to involve sanitation workers,
a mule, and a hot lava lamp and it's going to leave you feeling slightly
vulnerable, but stop fighting. Wise up and relax. Even if you lose,
you win! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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A
co-worker's melodrama may make you sick to your stomach. Tell him/her
exactly how sick they make you. Gag yourself and puke a little bit
while you talk and then swallow it again. Your boss is deeply involved
in the melodrama, too. Make sure he/she is in the room when you do
it. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
may feel like spending a lot of money on someone else today, but do
you really have the resources to handle it? I mean come on...can you
really afford a real-life horse to help satisfy someone's sick sexual
fantasy? Save something like that for a sick sexual fantasy of your
own. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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There
seems to be a connection between your sex life and money issues. It's
not that you really have any money or a sex life to speak of, but
someone you've trusted will decide to bribe you for every cent you
have. It won't really matter how you decide to handle it. They've
already told everyone your dirty little secret and they've made plenty
of copies of the photographs to prove it. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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April
will be a very sexually competitive month for you. You will beat someone
badly in what can only be described as Anal Monopoly. You always knew
you were highly skilled when it came to specialized anal games, especially
involving thimbles, top hats and wheelbarrows. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Group
activities will take focus this month for you, Gemini. You've been
yearning to be part of a team-oriented activity and the time has come
to explore something new and exciting. It will involve a variety of
versatile and intelligent minds. This group will include men and women,
from all kinds of interesting and rewarding backgrounds, but be ready.
It's going to take a lot of mental preparation for you to let a group
of strangers tie you up and carve words like "dirty whore"
into your back with a razor. They'll also want to use your body as
a public restroom. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
charming, and you're right! You have the best idea, but the other
person's got the best argument. Your, "I want to stick my finger
in a light socket" idea, does sound fun, but their," Are
you fucking insane? That would kill you" argument is awfully
compelling. Bah! What do they know? Go on! Follow your dreams, sparky. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Your
energy level's low, but it'll go up soon. As soon as you get another
hit offa' da pipe, that is. Why fight it? You've still got plenty
of things to take to the pawnshop. Here's another hint; so do your
parents. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
will want to take your relationships to a deeper level, and you are
ready to share your needs with the one you love, but are they ready?
Just because you spent an entire evening making love to a blow up
sheep, doesn't mean your partner is going to like it. Just because
you have a thing for "youngsters" doesn't mean that your
partner likes the whole Jon Benet look. And just because you like
romantic walks on the beach after beautiful candlelight dinners, doesn't
mean your partner isn't a transsexual prostitute crack dealer. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Remember
if you play with matches, you usually start a fire. That statement
pretty much sums up tonight for you. You know they make condoms for
a reason, don't you? Condoms were created in 1947 by a man named Eisgay
Buddimenot. Eisgay's goal was to create a holder for change that would
easily slip into one's tight pocket. Eisgay was also tired of his
change falling through the holes in the bottom of his pocket, and
thus the condom satisfied two important needs. No longer would his
change fall down his leg and into his sock, and no longer would it
be difficult to slide the change holder itself into his tight pocket.
So now you understand what I'm talking about here, right? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You're in charge.
Others do what you ask, so delegate. Have some fun while you're
at it and tell one of them to do something really dangerous. Give
all the others a little wink so they know that you're joking around
and then when that idiot loses a finger, you can all have a great
big laugh. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the love of one employee
for the admiration and respect of the others. Make him or her clean
up hi or her own blood when you're finished.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You're
interested in having fun and being creative, so go out there and make
something happen. Sex is fun, but sex with a shaved midget is fun
AND creative. Getting a full-body massage is fun, but getting a full
body massage from a bus driver during an-anti gay rally is fun AND
creative. Fingering your girlfriend is fun, but fingering your girlfriend
with a severed is really creative, especially if you wait for her
to notice how cold it is before you tell her. |
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