Fugly
Did you know?... The odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million.
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
January 9, 2001


By Mike Williams
January 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You've got the common sense, but the other person has the emotional hook. Face it; you're snagged. It's going to involve sanitation workers, a mule, and a hot lava lamp and it's going to leave you feeling slightly vulnerable, but stop fighting. Wise up and relax. Even if you lose, you win!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
A co-worker's melodrama may make you sick to your stomach. Tell him/her exactly how sick they make you. Gag yourself and puke a little bit while you talk and then swallow it again. Your boss is deeply involved in the melodrama, too. Make sure he/she is in the room when you do it.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You may feel like spending a lot of money on someone else today, but do you really have the resources to handle it? I mean come on...can you really afford a real-life horse to help satisfy someone's sick sexual fantasy? Save something like that for a sick sexual fantasy of your own.
Aries
March 20- April 19
There seems to be a connection between your sex life and money issues. It's not that you really have any money or a sex life to speak of, but someone you've trusted will decide to bribe you for every cent you have. It won't really matter how you decide to handle it. They've already told everyone your dirty little secret and they've made plenty of copies of the photographs to prove it.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
April will be a very sexually competitive month for you. You will beat someone badly in what can only be described as Anal Monopoly. You always knew you were highly skilled when it came to specialized anal games, especially involving thimbles, top hats and wheelbarrows.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Group activities will take focus this month for you, Gemini. You've been yearning to be part of a team-oriented activity and the time has come to explore something new and exciting. It will involve a variety of versatile and intelligent minds. This group will include men and women, from all kinds of interesting and rewarding backgrounds, but be ready. It's going to take a lot of mental preparation for you to let a group of strangers tie you up and carve words like "dirty whore" into your back with a razor. They'll also want to use your body as a public restroom.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You're charming, and you're right! You have the best idea, but the other person's got the best argument. Your, "I want to stick my finger in a light socket" idea, does sound fun, but their," Are you fucking insane? That would kill you" argument is awfully compelling. Bah! What do they know? Go on! Follow your dreams, sparky.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Your energy level's low, but it'll go up soon. As soon as you get another hit offa' da pipe, that is. Why fight it? You've still got plenty of things to take to the pawnshop. Here's another hint; so do your parents.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You will want to take your relationships to a deeper level, and you are ready to share your needs with the one you love, but are they ready? Just because you spent an entire evening making love to a blow up sheep, doesn't mean your partner is going to like it. Just because you have a thing for "youngsters" doesn't mean that your partner likes the whole Jon Benet look. And just because you like romantic walks on the beach after beautiful candlelight dinners, doesn't mean your partner isn't a transsexual prostitute crack dealer.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Remember if you play with matches, you usually start a fire. That statement pretty much sums up tonight for you. You know they make condoms for a reason, don't you? Condoms were created in 1947 by a man named Eisgay Buddimenot. Eisgay's goal was to create a holder for change that would easily slip into one's tight pocket. Eisgay was also tired of his change falling through the holes in the bottom of his pocket, and thus the condom satisfied two important needs. No longer would his change fall down his leg and into his sock, and no longer would it be difficult to slide the change holder itself into his tight pocket. So now you understand what I'm talking about here, right?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You're in charge. Others do what you ask, so delegate. Have some fun while you're at it and tell one of them to do something really dangerous. Give all the others a little wink so they know that you're joking around and then when that idiot loses a finger, you can all have a great big laugh. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the love of one employee for the admiration and respect of the others. Make him or her clean up hi or her own blood when you're finished.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You're interested in having fun and being creative, so go out there and make something happen. Sex is fun, but sex with a shaved midget is fun AND creative. Getting a full-body massage is fun, but getting a full body massage from a bus driver during an-anti gay rally is fun AND creative. Fingering your girlfriend is fun, but fingering your girlfriend with a severed is really creative, especially if you wait for her to notice how cold it is before you tell her.
 
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