Fugly
Did you know?... St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
January 4, 2001


By Martin Felcher

& Aaron@freakfarm
January 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your relationship is suffering but you just can't seem to figure out why. Maybe it's because you're dating conjoined twins. It has been awkward so far, because "the other twin" is a Gemini, which is your opposite sign, but this will change by the end of the week. Instead of ignoring "the other twin", include them. Keep the other one active with activities like badminton or connect-four. Maybe the other twin enjoys cooking or crossword puzzles. Your options are many, and "the other twin" should be willing to explore these options with you while you are fucking his/her brother/sister. If all else fails, simply engage "the other twin" in some polite conversation such as biotechnology (see Libra). Everything will work out fine.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You're usually the one who's working overtime so why not delegate to a person who'd love to help. Yeah, right. Maybe if you weren't such a dick to everyone there might be such a person. Have fun staying late again, asswipe.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
If someone comes up to you on the street today, and asks you if you would like to make an easy $50, follow him down the alley and see what happens. According to your solar chart, whoring is an occupation that could bring you considerable rewards. There's a lot of competition out there so see if you can find a niche. You might not think that sodomy with stiletto heels would pay the bills, but you'd be surprised to know what some people, including members of your own family, truly dig.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
This is going to be a hard day and people are going to try to avoid you. You better do something about that little "habit" of yours too. Nobody cares if it enhances your performance and the, "it's the only way I can stand the smell of the genitals" excuse is starting to get a little old. The Sun is in Mars, so don't worry. All the crack you're smoking isn't the only reason your face is so red.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Unlike other signs this week, Mars, who is your ruler, will conjoin the solar eclipse next Saturday and seriously fuck your shit up. Stay calm. If your lover has Parkinson's disease, whatever you do, don't let him/her penetrate you with his/her shaking fists. It will almost definitely lead to some serious internal bleeding this time. Learn from your mistakes.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Don't move! There's a spider on your back.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
There's plenty to do, so stay busy. Don't pop your head up to flirt or to point out what seems like an error. Don't snitch on a co-worker who's goofing off, either or he/she will kill you. He/she is planning to kill you either way, but maybe he/she won't make you suffer too much if you're nice to him/her in these last few days.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You might be busy making plans for some kind of reunion. You might want to put it off until after the weekend, when you're explosive diarrhea has passed. Or not. It's up to you, but something you ate is not going to agree with you and you can plan on pissing out of your ass for most of the weekend.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
There may be times this week when it seems as if Lady Luck has deserted you, but your concerns are unfounded. Lady Luck is just a metaphor, but if there were such a person, she would have deserted you a long time ago. Maybe you should try and do something about that back hair. Maybe you should join the circus, monkey boy.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Once Jupiter, planet of good fortune, crosses the heavens, on Friday, you will be more optimistic about a stagnant relationship. This would be a great time to take your loved one on a romantic getaway. Travel to Chechnya and rediscover your love for one another. Go to the beautiful peninsula of North Korea or the lovely island of Vieques, off of Puerto Rico. At any of these or many other beautiful locations, you will fall in love again while ducking for cover and hiding in the bushes. Getting kidnapped will rekindle your hearts and souls with the loving looks you'll give to one another while both of your mouths are covered in duct tape. You'll feel like you are on your honeymoon. Good luck, you crazy kids!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
This would be a perfect time to work on the communication that you are lacking during sex with your partner. Communication can be a real turn on, so talk about things that are important to you, like biotechnology. Express to your partner your feelings regarding manipulation of biological organisms to make products that benefit human beings while you manipulate his/her genitals. While both giving and receiving oral sex, discuss British biophysicist Francis Crick, who bravely presented the double-helix model of DNA. And while you cum scream out your favorite website http://encarta.msn.com/find/Concise.asp?ti=05F76000 Trust us. He'll/She'll love you for it.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Scorpio is one of the zodiac's excretion signs. Up until now your partner has been satisfied with you just cumming, but it's becoming so routine. You see, cumming may have been enough in the 20th century, but this is a new millennium. After cumming you should explore your nose, ears, ass and mouth. Be romantic. Blow your nose in their bellybutton. Clean your ears with a Q-tip and put it in their eye; there's enough to go around. Shit on them! Spit on them! You can even cry on them and call them Mommy/Daddy. The possibilities are endless. Vomit, urine, blisters. It's endless. Don't limit yourself to one excretion. Show em' what you've really got!

 
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