Fugly
Did you know?... A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
January 2, 2001


By Martin Felcher
January 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Communication is the key to your success today. Remember to talk clearly, and annunciate every word you say. If you look them right in the eye and say, "Please. Please don't kill me", maybe, just maybe, you can talk your way out of it. But probably not.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You may not be able to do everything you can imagine just yet, but practice makes perfect. You knew that, but you may have forgotten. Maybe you just didn't think it would take this long. I mean, learning to operate a wheelchair with your chin is going to take some time… err wait. Sorry. This is next week's Whoreoscope.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You may not think you should target wealth in your New Year's resolutions, and your right. Your target should be to quit playing with yourself and picking your nose in public. Work on the little stuff before you tackle anything big like moving out of your parent's house, loser.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Communication is the key to your success today. Let friends know what you need. Listening is also an important part of the communication process. If no one will listen to you, see if they'll listen to your gauge and your nine.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You've had a goal in mind for years, but you may have buried it, thinking it was too big. You're known for making the impossible happen, and besides, even the largest human body shrinks to a manageable size after it's been in a crawlspace for 6 or 7 months. Why not dig it up and have a little post-holiday party with it, you sick twisted freak.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You and your team are awesome. There seems to be an unseen force that carries you to victory. If they had some sort of a professional league for Felching, you and your little band of anal spelunkers would certainly be number 1. Be careful. Those little rascals can inflict a nasty bite.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Listen, pay attention and don't talk. That's right; shut your goddamned mouth for once in your life. For just five fucking minutes try not to say anything at all, you mouthy, know it all, jackass.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Travel with your sweetheart should go well, with one minor complication. Well… minor in the sense that no other travelers will be killed. Just you and your sweetheart.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You're gaining by giving today. That's right, giving 2 for 20, and 4 for 30, Will make you the true hero of the ghetto. Until some rival thug shoots you in the face. Your funeral will be closed casket.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Are you taking a trip? Getting married and going on a honeymoon? Haaa! Hell no! Your little journey starts in the courtroom, and ends in the custody of the Dept. Of Corrections. Remember, don't drop the soap!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You've put up with an uncomfortable situation long enough. It's time for a change. Stand up and make your voice heard! Jump up on your desk and scream it at the top of your lungs! For added effect, remember to take off your pants first.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Keep your wallet in your pocket. The person you want to impress doesn't need fancy gifts. He or she is more interested in getting your full attention. And nothing says attention than a good old-fashioned punch in the throat. Show that special someone you care with a smack of love.

 
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