Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
October 30, 2000


By L.T. Jackson
October 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

The Sun is way up in Scorpio's grill. How about getting that thing you've wanted for the house? That's right. A real live, live-in gimp. You can get one on practically any street corner. Your membership to NAMBLA is running out. Pay your dues, pervert.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You could have an interesting conversation today with a person who can teach you a lot. The trouble is, some information should stay confidential. It's not wise to tell your boss you've been at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting all day. He might start to realize where all the office supplies are going.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You've got good common sense, and today it could serve you well. A change in your regular routine could cost you money. Don't buy rock from the niggaaz in the park. You know you're just gonna end up buying dummies. Dummy.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Something's cramping your style. Somebody's put a damper on your enthusiasm - or is trying. Could it be your illegitimate child? That's what you get for fucking all those sailors on shore leave. Man, you're a filthy ho.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The goddamned Sun is stuck in muthafuckin' Scorpio. You don't like to be sneaky, but there's somone you may not want to run into in a social situation. Like your probation officer. Don't sweat it, he's buying heroin for himself. Today is your luck day, and if you suck his dick, maybe he won't send you back to the slammer!
Aries
March 20- April 19
You're still in a holiday mood, whether you're back at work or not. What holiday you might ask? Labor day, of course, seeing as how you haven't worked in two years, and been a leach on society's ass. Why not trade your food stamps for crack?
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
If you've done some planning over the weekend, you should be first in line for the bargains. This is work, but you're great at it. So great in fact that hardly anyone notices that all your furniture is stolen from dumpsters at a construction site. Man, you're cheap.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
This would be a fine day to travel with a fascinating companion. May I suggest a toothless crack whore on the corner of 10th and Delaware? Who could ever get tired of her endless hour-long stories of childhood abuse at the hands of her pimp "Mudbone"? When you get tired of her bumpin' her gums, hit her in the head with a brick.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Your work, although not easy, should be interesting. You might get to show off your talents. Just remember not to take any lip from your bitches today. Keep your pimp hand heavy
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Concentrating may be hard. Your mind is on where to get money for another rock. May I suggest working part time in the little booths in the back of the porno store? You meet all kinds of interesting people, and occasionally you will find a quarter or two (in a pool of jizz that is).
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
This could be a slow Monday. But hey, we all can't be smart. Why who else would of thought of selling crack in a retirement community. Man are you fucking stupid, and your feet stink.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You're as cute as a button - and charming, too. How did your cell mate sneak make-up in? And I thought you would never look as cute as you do in a dress made from a white T-shirt. You are the "Queen Of Cellblock F" bunboy.
 
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