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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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October
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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F
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1
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2
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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20
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21
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22
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23
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24
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26
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27
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28
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29
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The Sun is way
up in Scorpio's grill. How about getting that thing you've wanted
for the house? That's right. A real live, live-in gimp. You
can get one on practically any street corner. Your membership to
NAMBLA is running out. Pay your dues, pervert.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
could have an interesting conversation today with a person who can
teach you a lot. The trouble is, some information should stay confidential.
It's not wise to tell your boss you've been at a Narcotics Anonymous
meeting all day. He might start to realize where all the office supplies
are going. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You've
got good common sense, and today it could serve you well. A change
in your regular routine could cost you money. Don't buy rock from
the niggaaz in the park. You know you're just gonna end up buying
dummies. Dummy. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Something's
cramping your style. Somebody's put a damper on your enthusiasm -
or is trying. Could it be your illegitimate child? That's what you
get for fucking all those sailors on shore leave. Man, you're a filthy
ho. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
goddamned Sun is stuck in muthafuckin' Scorpio. You don't like to
be sneaky, but there's somone you may not want to run into in a social
situation. Like your probation officer. Don't sweat it, he's buying
heroin for himself. Today is your luck day, and if you suck his dick,
maybe he won't send you back to the slammer! |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You're
still in a holiday mood, whether you're back at work or not. What
holiday you might ask? Labor day, of course, seeing as how you haven't
worked in two years, and been a leach on society's ass. Why not trade
your food stamps for crack? |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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If
you've done some planning over the weekend, you should be first in
line for the bargains. This is work, but you're great at it. So great
in fact that hardly anyone notices that all your furniture is stolen
from dumpsters at a construction site. Man, you're cheap. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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This
would be a fine day to travel with a fascinating companion. May I
suggest a toothless crack whore on the corner of 10th and Delaware?
Who could ever get tired of her endless hour-long stories of childhood
abuse at the hands of her pimp "Mudbone"? When you get tired of her
bumpin' her gums, hit her in the head with a brick. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Your
work, although not easy, should be interesting. You might get to show
off your talents. Just remember not to take any lip from your bitches
today. Keep your pimp hand heavy |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Concentrating
may be hard. Your mind is on where to get money for another rock.
May I suggest working part time in the little booths in the back of
the porno store? You meet all kinds of interesting people, and occasionally
you will find a quarter or two (in a pool of jizz that is). |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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This
could be a slow Monday. But hey, we all can't be smart. Why who else
would of thought of selling crack in a retirement community. Man are
you fucking stupid, and your feet stink. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
as cute as a button - and charming, too. How did your cell mate sneak
make-up in? And I thought you would never look as cute as you do in
a dress made from a white T-shirt. You are the "Queen Of Cellblock
F" bunboy. |
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