Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
October 19, 2000

By Martin Felcher
October 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 You most likely feel creative. Can you feel that masterpiece inside of you just screaming to be set free? This is what makes you act like such a pretentious asshole. Your parents might have encouraged your "creativity" just a little too much. Your "talents" are only in your imagination, right where they belong.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A loved one can steer you around a potentially difficult situation. Unfortunately, since you gave them such a shitty gift last season, they're planning to steer you right through the middle of it. Get ready for trouble.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 Although you'd like to travel, you're going to have obligations to deal with first. We're talking about five to ten years of obligations. The funny thing is that most people don't even know that what you did is illegal. Oh well. Live and learn.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Even if you're good at managing money; soon, all of yours will be gone. There's nothing you can do about it. We're sorry to have to be the ones to tell you.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
 You and your partner need to figure out who's going to pay for what. If you offer a little more than your share, you could get an unexpected benefit in return. Why don't you pay for the breast implants and let your partner fork out the dough for that abortion?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 You're looking good. Don't slow down; push boldly forward. If you make a mistake, don't stop. Keep going, and maybe nobody will even notice. When he finally shoots his load, collect your 20 bucks, thank him politely and get the hell out of there, you filthy whore.
Aries
March 20- April 19
 Getting along with people should be relatively easy early in the day but later, while an overweight, drunken ex-Marine is sitting on your chest, pounding your face with his fists, you'll realize that it has become much more difficult. Keep your mouth shut, smart-ass.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 A buddy may try to talk you into spending more than you can afford. Don't give in to the temptation to go over budget, just because somebody else does. Ask him to pay for it all and promise that you'll pay him or her back as soon as you can. If he or she is stupid enough to believe that, you're home free! I can't believe that people are still stupid enough to trust you.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 Somebody may ask you to do something that goes against your grain. How will you get out of this? Although it is pretty selfish of you to only pitch, don't be rude. The answer may be as simple as finding someone who likes to catch full time. Promise them you won't forget the reach around.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 If you're thinking about starting a new endeavor, forget about it. You'll have to get past at least one snag before you're in the clear. That snag will be the loss of both of your legs. Watch for it so you're not caught by surprise. After that's behind you, the rest of your journey should be easy; as long as it's downhill. Gimp.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
 Something you've eaten has caused your body to produce a tremendously foul odor. Although you don't notice it, other people are beginning to avoid you. Deodorants and perfumes will be unable to conceal it. You'll just end up smelling like a dirty diaper soaked in perfume. Better stay home today.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 You and another person need to keep your negotiations confidential. Yelling, "three for ten and ten for twenty!" across the office is not a good idea. Someone is going to catch on pretty soon that you're not talking about your football pool. You're really pretty stupid. Maybe you should just turn yourself in.
 
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