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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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October
2000
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S
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M
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W
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F
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2
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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22
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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A
detail you've overlooked could sneak up and bite you. Remember what
it was and get it handled. Retrace your steps and wipe up any blood
that you may have missed. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A lot of money's
changing hands, and some may be yours. Two men are splitting up
the money they stole from you right now! Hahaha! You sucker!
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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If
you're getting chewed out for something that's not your fault, hang
in there. Hang in there until the very last minute. You want to build
up as much rage as possible before you snap and beat their face in.
Use a rock or a brick. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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What
you thought was going to be difficult is easy, but what you thought
would be easy could be way too difficult. I'm talking about breathing.
Breathing, although usually fairly easy for you, will become very
very difficult later today. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
may have to change your plans to accommodate an older person. Isn't
that the way it always works? Why should you have to change your
plans for them? You should have moved out of town when you could;
or put them in a nursing home. You idiot. Now you'll be cleaning up
puke and dirty adult-diapers all week. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Don't
get in the middle of somebody else's battle. Instead, see if you can
instigate it even further. Maybe you'll get to see a good fist fight.
Place sharp objects around the room where they'll be in easy reach.
To get things going, use phrases like "Are you going to
let him talk to you like that, you pussy!?" |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Spontaneous
Human Combustion. Sorry. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Everybody's
asking how you're doing on the job that's underway. Little do they
know that, as usual, you haven't done a god damn thing. You're going
to get fired. You're a loser. Good luck lying your way out of this
one, dickhead. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
looking good. As a matter of fact, you've never looked better. The
problem is you're acting like a complete dick. Why don't you quit
talking so much, you annoying jerk? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Something
that you thought would work well could backfire. Be careful. Later
this afternoon you'll get your arm caught in some machinery and it
will be torn right off of your body. Better leave your watch at home.
No sense ruing a perfectly good watch. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Try
to avoid arguing about money with your sweetheart. If he or she starts
to give you a hard time about it, beat him or her. That's right. Beat
him or her with a wire clothes hanger. That will teach him or her
who's boss. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You're
in a snippy mood, so take care. Something you say could upset the
other person more than you thought it would. This is not all your
fault. A lot of it has to do with how much whiskey your mother drank
while she was pregnant with you. You're dumb. |
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