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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
December 21, 2000


By L.T. Jackson
December 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Yes. That motherfuckin cracka' in the Crown Vic is five-0. Stop selling to him, you dumb ass foo.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Money's getting a little tight, but that shouldn't bother you much. You're used to it. There's always something else to spend it on. But, luckily, there are also more ways to make cash. Armed robbery is always a possibility, or you could just pimp out a younger family member. Hell, pimp out a family pet if you have to. Hey got to get 20 bucks somehow.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
An older person could be vetoing your latest plan. Why not try to persuade them to your way of thinking? Maybe use a tire iron, and a fifth of night train. That's what I call my Attitude Adjustment Kit.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your perceptions are keen, especially pertaining to children. You perceive them all the time and their laughter fills your ears and your heart with joy. Even when they're not around. Even when you're completely alone. Soon, they'll start to tell you to do things. Bad, violent things. Better start taking your medication again, psycho.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You may have feelings of grief or depression. You should be used to it by now. This happens every year, around this time. The only logical solution is to pawn all of your personal belongings and go to Wal-mart. Buy a shotgun, and with the rest of the cash buy a lot of crack. Let nature take its course, and give your loved ones a present they'll never forget.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're getting ready to stretch your legs - and your mind, too. You would be amazed how fast a fat piece of shit like you can run. Especially with the cops shooting at you. Why not drop the stolen T.V.? Maybe you'll run faster.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're very busy. Travel plans may have to be postponed. Don't talk much about what you're doing, either. The less said the better. There is such thing as accessory after the fact. God damn, you're dumb. That bitch is going to rat you out.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You know, it's easier to get a job while you still have the use of both of your legs. It's even harder to get one while in one of those wheelchairs that you operate with your chin. What we're trying to say is that you better pay that money you owe, and do it quickly.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Don't knock a hole in the wall without discussing it with your roommate first. Your idea of a nifty renovation project could be your mate's idea of, well, something else. Just explain to him/her it's easier to sell rock this way, no more crack heads in the living room. If that doesn't work just smack them in the head with the hammer.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You should be in a pretty good mood, but there will be delays. You'll get your jobs done early, so why not assist someone else. Why not ask some friends about a job? Just remember not to do that "drug mule" thing again. Remember, your ass bled for two days after that the last time.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Money's coming in, but it may already be spoken for. You may feel like you work at the bank. You get to count and sort, but it all belongs to someone else. Don't worry; your money troubles will soon be over, because you'll soon be in a coma for the rest of your life. They can't get money from a stone…or a vegetable!
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You learn best by getting involved. A project you take on will not get finished today, however. If you think you can get it done by tomorrow, go ahead. There will be hassles, but the outcome's positive. And think of it this way, you will be the first person on the block with there own hand made prosthetic limb!

 
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